Love 'til it Hurts

With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, many are trying to figure out how to show their spouses or other people close to them how much they love them. I too have been trying to determine how best to express my feelings, but how do you tell someone that you love them so much, sometimes it hurts.

We all have experienced pain from a relationship. Usually, it is not even so much what that person did, but rather how much we love them that makes it so painful. "Even my close friend in whom I trusted,... has lifted his heel against me." Psalm 41:9 If someone else, whom we were not as close to did that same thing, it would not cause nearly as much pain.

But then I got to thinking - this is how God loves us.

I can't even imagine the pain of watching billions and billions of people that I love, and not in a general sense, but love deeply and personally, turn their backs on me every day. Or what about those who pay lip service and say, "I love you, Lord," but their actions show something much less?


"The Lord was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart." Genesis 6:6


Can you even fathom how much it must hurt to love someone so much that you would sacrifice your only Son just to be close to them? 


While, yes, I can say that there are those in my life that I love so much that I am deeply hurt by them at times; it in no way compares to pain I have caused My Saviour.

Oh My Saviour, Redeemer, Lover of my soul, I am so sorry how I have grieved you. My sin broke the skin on Your back. My betrayal pierced Your hands and feet. And yet You love me still.


That's love 'til it hurts.

Naked Souls

This morning I heard a song on the radio that I'm sure most of you know, "If I had two hands, doing the same thing. Lifted high, lifted high." But it was this line that really got me thinking, "I use one hand to draw you closer, the other to push you away." 

Intimacy can be a taboo topic. And for those of you who know me well, don't worry, I will not be sharing TMI in this post. But think about it. As human beings, we desire intimacy, yet we are so guarded. Physical intimacy requires us to bare our bodies before another. For most of us, this is NOT something we are comfortable with, even in front of our husbands. But even more taboo is intimacy of another kind - the baring of our souls. 

Like the song I mentioned, we do this in our relationships every day. While we desire to be close to others, we keep them at an arm's length and never let them really get to know us. Some do this because they have had bad experiences in the past, but most of us, heck all of us, just don't like to feel vulnerable. While this can be an issue in our marriages and other relationships, I am most intrigued by the fact that we try to do this with God. 

I have been to countless Bible studies, where I have heard women say, "I don't do the personal questions." We are so uncomfortable being naked, that we even try to cover up in front of God. It's like we are saying, "I desire to know you God, and I desperately want to know what you have for me in your Word, but I don't want you to really know me. I mean, I don't really want to know me either." So, we skip the parts of studying God's Word that forces us to take a good hard look at ourselves and where we stand in relation to what God has for us. 

In all honesty, this could be ugly. As women, we get so caught up in appearing to be what we want to be: a good Christian, a good mother, a good wife, good at our jobs, etc. We are so worried about appearing to be something in front of others, that we often forget to do what it takes to actually BE that. It's to the point that we even attempt to appear to God as though we are not the lowly disgusting sinners that we are, but that we are something better because we have a relationship with Him. 

If we can't bare our souls before God, our Creator, our Saviour, the One who loves us so much He sent His only son to DIE for us, with whom can we be intimate?

The answer is no one. 

So, when I hear women say, that they don't do the personal questions, it saddens me, because God wants us to come before Him with a naked soul. Ready and willing to pour out whatever we have; all those struggles, that sin, that fear, that doubt, that thing that you don't think you are ready to come to terms with yet.  And get ready to allow Him to work on us where it counts, way down deep where we don't let anyone  else see. 

"O Lord, You have searched me and know me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up. You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all." Psalm 139:1-4

Harsh Truths Lead to Growth - Hopefully

There are always things that need doing - laundry, cleaning the house, finishing those projects you started, etc. Many people think I am a busy mom because I have five children, work part-time, and I am going to school. However, I think every mom is a busy mom, they just have different things on their to-do list. Anyway, as I thought today about how my to-do list keeps getting longer and longer, I had to admit to myself why. It is not that I don't have the time to complete it. Unfortunately, it has more to do with the fact that I am lazy. 

I came to this harsh realization about a month ago when I asked my husband to honestly tell me three things he would change about me if he could. He said, he wished I wasn't so lazy. GASP!!! Note of warning: Never ask your husbands this question unless you are prepared to handle anything they say. I thought I could handle it, but of course an argument ensued. However, later I had to admit to myself that in all honesty, I really am lazy, and I am thankful he had the courage to tell me the truth. Of course, for about a month now, I have still been trying to deny it. Seriously, who wants to admit they are lazy? But as my to-do list keeps getting longer and unaccomplished, I finally had to take a step back and look at why it has not been getting completed. I am lazy. 

How are you lazy? You might ask. Many may even give me an excuse because I have so many kids. The truth is, I often opt to just veg out watching tv or using my computer rather than doing the much needed task staring me in the face. But God has a way of getting to my heart. I've thinking lately about how God tells us our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. Now most people use this to say you shouldn't abuse alcohol and drugs and cigarettes, etc. I don't do any of those things, but God has been speaking to me about how it means so much more than that. It means I need to eat healthy foods and exercise to take care of this body He has given me. It means that I need to use my body for doing good (like cleaning my house, or other much needed tasks). Most importantly it means not just my physical body, but my whole person is the temple of the Holy Spirit. God lives in me and that needs to come across in all that I do. When I let things go, things that need to get done, just to do nothing important, I am choosing not to use my body in a way that glorifies God. It does not glorify God to put aside the needs of my family, or the promises I have made with my lips. 

So thank you Joshua for your honesty. I appreciate it. And thank you God, for teaching me a much needed lesson.  - Now off to clean the kitchen.

1 Cor. 6:19, 20 - Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. 

Hope, Comfort, and the Promise of Eternity

"Comfort, O comfort My people," says your God. "Speak kindly to Jerusalem; and call out to her, that her warfare has ended, that her iniquity has been removed, that she has received of the Lord's hand double for all her sins." A voice is calling, "Clear the way for the Lord in the wilderness; make smooth in the desert a highway for our God. Let every valley be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; and let the rough ground become a plain, and the rugged terrain a broad valley; then the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all flesh will see it together; for the mouth of the Lord has spoken." A voice says, "Call out." Then he answered, "What shall I call out?" All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever. Get yourself up on a high mountain, O Zion, bearer of good news, Lift up your voice mightily, O Jerusalem, bearer of good news; lift it up, do not fear. Say to the cities of Judah, "Here is your God!" Behold, the Lord God will come with might, with His arm ruling for Him. Behold, His reward is with Him and His recompense before Him. Like a shepherd He will tend His flock, in His arm He will gather the lambs and carry them in His bosom; He will gently lead the nursing ewes. Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, and marked off the heavens by the span, and calculated the dust of the earth by the measure, and weighed the mountains in a balance and the hills in a pair of scales? Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord, or as His counselor has informed Him? With whom did He consult and who gave Him understanding? And who taught Him in the path of justice and taught Him knowledge and informed Him of the way of understanding? Behold, the nations are like a drop from a bucket, and are regarded as a speck of dust on the scales; behold, He lifts up the islands like fine dust. Even Lebanon is not enough to burn, nor its beasts enough for a burnt offering. All the nations are as nothing before Him, they are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless. To whom then will you liken God? Or what likeness will you compare with Him? As for the idol, a craftsman casts it, a goldsmith plates it with gold, and a silversmith fashions chains of silver. He who is too impoverished for such an offering selects a tree that does not rot; He seeks out for himself a skillful craftsman to prepare an idol that will not totter. Do you not know? Have you not hear? Has it not been declared to you from the beginning? Have you not understood from the foundations of the earth? It is He who sits above the circle of the earth, and inhabitants are like grasshoppers, who stretches out the heavens like a curtain and spreads them out like a tent to dwell in. He it is who reduces rulers to nothing, who makes the judges of the earth meaningless. Scarcely have they been planted, scarcely have they been sown, scarcely has their stock taken root in the earth, but He merely blows on them, and they wither, and the storm carries them away like stubble. To whom then will you like Me that I would be his equal?" says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes on high and see who has created these stars, the One who leads forth their hose by number, He calls them all by name; because of the greatness of His might and the strength of His power, not one of them is missing. Wy do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the Lord, and the justice due me excapes the notice of my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

Isaiah 40

Okay, I know that was a long passage, but WOW! I must confess that since my son was born in Sept. I have been very depressed. I take that back, I think it started even before he was born, but no matter, the point is for the past few months I have been battling a depression like no other I have ever experienced. During this time, I have been a very angry person. Mostly towards my husband. Yet, I saw God continuing to work in my life, and answering prayer. Josh got a job for the winter that started just as the season ended for his other job, and some other things as well. So why was I so depressed you ask. I honestly do not know. Everything seemed like a huge weight upon my shoulders. All of the every day tasks and responsibilities that I have been accustomed too just seemed like a new burden each day. I know this sounds crazy, but more than once through this time, God just spoke to me that this time I was going through was not just a time of suffering for me to grow, but also to allow someone else to grow spiritually as well. Now, I'm still not sure who it is, but I have my guesses. 

Last night we had our Christmas program at church, and this year the theme centered on hope. I sincerely prayed that the message of the evening would reach those who had come to watch, but also those of us who had participated in putting on the program. And again, God answered my prayer in a way I never expected. Even though I missed some of the pieces of the program, the Holy Spirit was working in me. 

I should mention that Josh's new job has required me to get up much earlier than I ever would on my own, being that I have to take him to work and although he was supposed to start at 10 am, he has had to start at 5 or 6 am for the last week. The good part about this is that it has given me some much needed quiet time alone with God. I had fallen out of my habit of reading my Bible, but was able to get back into it during this time. However, this morning I was going to go back to bed and just do it later, but God was drawing me. First, Kai wouldn't stop fussing until I finally just got up. Then, I just couldn't stop thinking about reading my Bible. So I opened my Bible and was on the passage above. 

I didn't even get past the first verse when I realized, I was being drawn to read my Bible this morning, because God knew what I would be reading and how it would minister to my soul! O praise the omniscient God! I'm not even going to attempt to explain how this passage spoke to me, I think it's pretty self explanatory and I pray that it speaks to your soul as well.

The Darker Side of the Journey

What is this veil over my eyes

That clouds my vision with haze?

I walk around as though half-blind

Or lost in a self-absorbing daze.

To reach yet another mount,

Through the valley I must pass.

Just how long does the emptiness,

The separation have to last?

Voids replace love, hope.

Reaching, grabbing, I long to feel;

To feel emotion of any kind,

Just to know that I am real.

Caught in the branches,

Tangled in the roots,

Anger rages within me

As I struggle to pull loose.

The fog is so thick

In no direction can I see.

O Lord, attune my heart to hear

Every word you speak to me!

Allow me to be guided

by a quiet, listening soul.

Drawing me closer, back into your light

Where the warmth of Your presence

Makes me whole.

Bug Barriers for God's Home

I hate bugs. I especially hate them in my house. Being the time of year that it is, we have found ants, spiders, and other creepy crawly things in our house. So what do we do about it? Well, first I kill any that I find in our house. Even the kids help kill them. But along with that, Josh uses what called a bug barrier, to spray around the house to keep the bugs out. This year, we have had to put up the bug barrier more than once, due to rain and weeding our flower beds, which happen to be right up against the house. When we start seeing the bugs again, we realize the bug barrier has been disrupted and we have to spray all over again.

Now I'm sure you're wondering why I would be writing about all of this. Yesterday morning I started thinking, "Am I as active in putting up the barriers to sin in my life as I am about putting up bug barriers in my house? Am I as on top of squashing out the sins I find in my heart as I am about squashing a little ant?"

Eph. 6 talks about putting on the armor of God, so that we can resist the devil. Am I putting on this armor daily to keep my heart safe from the strongholds of sin?

Some of you may think I'm a little paranoid about getting rid of the bugs in my house, but I think of it this way - I could let them be, however, leaving them alone could cause bigger issues later on as they set up home in my walls or whatever and begin to eat away at the structure of my house. It's the same with sin. We could let the small stuff go, as not a big deal, but then again, if we continue to let them go they will get worse and develop a stronghold in our lives.

I need to think more proactively about keeping sin out of God's home - my heart.

In Love... In a Different Way

I'm finally writing a blog about what God taught me last weekend at a women's retreat.

At least a week before I was supposed to go on this retreat, my relationship with Christ started to feel dry, almost forced and non-existent. Reading my Bible seemed more like a chore, one that I didn't particularly feel like doing, but did any way. Attempting to focus enough to pray seemed impossible. And my character was anything but an example of Jesus.

During that week, I began to notice little things that made me realize how much I love my husband. Better yet, how much I am in love with my husband. I couldn't help but think about how when he is gone, I long to talk to him, even if only for a few minutes. When I am angry with him, I want nothing more than for him to just wrap his arms around me and hold me close - and as I melt like butter in his arms, forget what I was angry about in the first place. On days I actually get to take a nap, I sleep on his side of the bed, just so I can smell him and feel like he is there. I will drop anything to spend time with him.

I tell you all that to say, I was longing to be in love with Christ in the way I was with my husband. I wanted to have that same longing and desire to be close to Christ. I wanted to really be able to say that I would drop anything to spend time with Him because I couldn't think of anything better to do. But the truth was, I could find all kinds of better things to do.

My prayer going into this retreat weekend was that I would fall in love with my Saviour again. That I would feel the same way towards Him that I did towards my husband. But instead God showed me something different, something better!

God is everything to us and for us. He is our lover, saviour, friend, father, comforter... I could go on forever. I already knew all this, but what He showed me over that weekend was, that I didn't need to compare my relationship with Christ with the love I have for my husband, because He has given me that love for him at this time for a reason. At this point, in my life, God wants me to be in love with Him in a different way than the love I have for my husband. He wants me to be daddy's little girl. His little princess, who adores Him in every way.

You see, God is everything to us, but He doesn't necessarily play all those roles at all times in our lives. At certain times we need Him in different ways, and He knew I really needed Him to be my daddy right now.

This was confirmed to me in so many ways over the weekend that I will not share them all, but most assuredly in the picture He gave me as I prayed during communion. I asked God to show me how to be in love with Him. To show me what that would look like, and He gave me a picture of me sitting on His lap (yes as an adult), like a little girl who was just adoring her daddy and spending time with Him. I was so happy to be with Him, I couldn't stop talking about everything that was going on in my life, both good and bad. All the time with a big smile on my face, even as I cried and He comforted me when I got to some of the rougher parts. But I was just so happy to have His attention, to be with Him, to sit on His lap and adore Him. I was in love with my daddy!

That picture spoke to my heart, like no other. Because He knew what I needed Him to be right now, and He knew that as much as I love my husband, I did not want it to come before my love for Him. So He gave me both! God is so awesome!