To the Love of My Life

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

I love Valentine's Day. My husband and I don't really do anything like go out, but I do try to do something special for those I love. 

Here is a little song I wrote for the love of my life. You can read it as a poem, but I've been singing it all week.

My heart was changed the day we met

It was a day I’ll never forget

You were the one chasing after me

While I was still trying be wild and free

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder

But that is something I know nothing about

You promised you would never leave me

And you’ve never given me reason to doubt

You whisper sweet everythings in my ear

Like everlasting love and grace beyond compare

People call their loves the wind beneath their wings

But you’re the solid rock to which I cling

They say to follow your heart

And let your passion lead you

I can’t resist following your Truth

They measure love from the moon and back

You measure love with the palms of your hands

You crossed your heart and hoped to die

Just so I could be given life

They show their love with candy and flowers

They write notes about a moment in time

You pour on me your grace and mercy

And your letter has eternity defined

You forgave me, you changed me

You took my hand to be your wife

You fight for me, You died for me

Jesus, you’re the love of my life.

Real Food

Your words were found, and I ate them, 

and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;

 for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts.

Jeremiah 15:16

How many times have you heard someone say, "I read the Bible, but I'm just not getting anything out of it" or even "It's kind of boring"? How many times have you said it yourself? I admit these are words I have spoken, or at least thought at times. Today, I came across the above verse, looking through some verse cards I have printed out. It stopped me. Immediately, I thought about one of the books I'm reading The Quest for More by Paul Tripp. It's about living for the Big Kingdom in our everyday life. 

Isn't this where it begins? To take every moment of your every day and turn it from living in our little kingdoms where we reign, and make it mean something for the Kingdom of God, doesn't it start with the Word of God being the joy of our hearts? 

Wait, let's back up a minute. I guess we would have to say it really starts with the statement made at the end of this verse "For I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts." We've been called out of our little kingdoms. We've been dethroned. Those who have been called to be followers of Christ, have been called by another name. We have been called by the name of the Lord God, because it is His Spirit which lives within us.

If that is true, then my little kingdom no longer exists. The little kingdom I call my life, my world, my time here on this earth is no longer mine. 

I can try to retain my control, my rule, but to no avail, for I have been dethroned.

This is not a bad thing, in fact, it is just the opposite. You see, I am a terrible ruler. Every decision I make is for my own gain, even those that seem to be for the benefit of others is done only to make me feel good, or to better my reputation. Not only are they made in selfishness, but made with limited knowledge about how to bring about that personal good. When I rule, I feed on my own words, intelligence, strength, feelings. And my heart mourns. It mourns because my kingdom will never be the way I want it. 

But it is not my kingdom any more. A greater King has taken over. He has even taken up residency in my castle. While, I had invited Him in, at times I wasn't sure what was really happening. He began replacing my furniture with His, first one room, then the next. I was glad He was there, yet, I didn't want to give up my reign. So, I refused to let Him into certain rooms, for fear He would take them over as well. Of course, these actions confuse the people in my little kingdom. At times, they aren't sure who is ruling. For there are many times, I am content to allow Him to make decisions and and listen to His word with anticipation. His words are filled with such love, such joy, such peace. But then, there are times when I don't want to listen. I want my kingdom back. I want to make my own decisions and listen to my own words. These times are filled with anger and bitterness and I don't like them. 

I battle with myself, because I know He is a far greater ruler than I. His words are filled to the brim with nourishment for the deepest parts of my soul. His words bring joy and peace because He speaks truth. His kingdom thrives because He keeps every promise and makes decisions knowing not just the past, but the present and future as well. I know all of this, yet, at times I ignore it and go back to thinking that my ideas, my plans, my goals have some value. 

If He is the Lord God of hosts, who has called me, how can I not be nourished by His word? How do they not bring joy and rejoicing to my heart? 

If ever I am reading the very Word of God and my heart is not captured, I must ask the question- who is ruling this kingdom? How can my every day mean anything for the Big Kingdom if His Word does not stir me? How can I possibly know how to live, if I do not listen to His Words? 

Hopefully, His Word does bring joy to your heart, and you are receiving that joy more and more each day as you sit at His feet. While I try very hard, I am not always consistent about reading my Bible. But the more I do it, the more I want to do it and the more I choose to do it. May we continue to sit at His feet and stop trying to get back on the throne. 

A "Word" of Understanding

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

Philippians 2:12-13

Lately, I have gotten back in the habit of keeping a dictionary near when reading my Bible. I love to look up certain words and understand the context they are being used in to help me understand more clearly what exactly it is saying. After reading these two verses today, I looked up the word "work". 

There were so many definitions given, but I wrote down the ones that seemed to fit best in the context and then realized something - it seemed like each time the word "work" was used it could be replaced with a different definition given. This was exciting! I mean, honestly, if you read the passage above it may seem confusing how many times the word "work" is used (eg. "work out your own salvation", "for it is God who works in you"). You may read that and think "Well, which is it?" It's both. Let me show you what I did that made it all make so much more sense, at least to me.

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, prepare for use exerting oneself physically and mentally your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who brings to pass in you, both to will and to function according to plan or design for his good pleasure."

It all started to make so much more sense! You see, we are responsible for our obedience. This is the "work out your own salvation" part. We are to prepare ourselves for use by exerting ourselves physically and mentally (obeying). That is how we "work". 

God is the one who brings it to pass. It is God's work in us that allows us to obey. He is the author of salvation and brings to pass salvation in us.

His "work" in us is so that we have the will to obey and will function according to the His design and plan for us. A plan for His good pleasure - because He delights in us and in our obedience. 

I don't know about you, but while I had a semi-understanding of the above passage before, this just made it so much clearer and I had to share! I am so excited to have a better understanding between the connection of what God expects from us and His part that He fulfills in us. So amazing!

Happy New Year!!

I waited to write this post until today, because I like to begin new things by looking back. Why? because I think when we stop to look back we go forward remembering what we have learned.

For me, this past year felt like one long trust fall into the arms of God.

If you go back through my old posts, you would know that my word for last year was FOCUS. I wanted to learn how to really focus on God. I'm still not sure if that was right or if trust or peace would have been a more accurate description of what God did in me throughout this last year.

From the very beginning, I knew our finances were going to be a big part of God working in me. Last January is when my husband and I began to make some significant changes regarding our finances. Mainly, being more of a team with him making the final decisions. I knew this would be hard for me, because I'm somewhat of a control freak, but I also knew I had to learn to let him lead. It started in chaos. Not that we were fighting and arguing, but that we thought we had everything all figured out and it wasn't. Of course, I should have known this would be a learning process. However, God used this to start preparing me to trust Him for what was to come later. He took care of us at that time and He has continued to do so.

Our church was beginning the process to prepare for the start of community groups. Joshua expressed he wanted us to have one in our home, and he wanted to lead it. This is so against his nature, I knew this must be God's leading, so I agreed and we began to prepare for it. God had already began working on me, teaching me to let my husband lead. This was just going to be another step in the process, but I welcomed it.

 Not too long after this, Joshua decided I needed to quit my job. We had been talking about it for awhile. Both knowing God was leading to this, but both being hesitant about actually doing it. Finally, Joshua told me I had to do it, and I knew he was right. So I quit. You cannot believe how much more well rested I have been since I did! Yeah, we're loosing out on that money, but honestly, I don't even notice because God has provided in so many ways.

One trust fall after another.

But none would impact my life as much as Nehemiah.

Just about a month and a half after quitting my job, we found out we had lost the baby I was carrying. I will not go into all the details about it now, I've written many blogs about that time that you are welcome to go back and read. What I will say, is that all those trust falls I had just done, were not without purpose. Because I KNEW that God had me in His arms and I had never known greater peace and joy than I did when I held Nehemiah in my hands and looked into his face.

I will not say the rest of my year went great, but, God held me. The peace never left. He has continued to work in my heart and life in different ways and each step, He has given me what I needed to take it.

So as a new year begins and I think about what God may have in store, I remember the peace He gives. The joy He gives no matter what is to come.

I still like to make some resolutions each year, but I'm a little more broad, as I realize whatever method I start out the year using to accomplish one of these goals may need to be a adjusted or scrapped and a new method used.

Once again, I chose verses for each member of our family to pray for them. I didn't realize until today, that the verse I chose for myself, was one that was frequently used in my blogs throughout the last year. How fitting that I keep in mind God's faithfulness throughout this new year with Phil. 4:6-7.

Here are the things I want to challenge myself to do this year:

1. Pray for others more. Really pray for others frequently and consistently. I want others to know the peace and joy that I have and to experience God's rich blessings of life, hope, and the Holy Spirit.

2. Follow through. I'm one of those people who starts projects, but then doesn't finish them. I want to challenge myself to be better at finishing the projects I start. This may include being better at deciding what projects to begin.

3. Be healthier. I want to eat healthier and exercise more. (I'm eating Reese cups as I write this.) Over the last few months I have been doing much better at eating healthier and enjoying it! I have learned for me to be successful in that area, it can't be about following a specific diet plan, but learning about making healthier choices and then making changes little by little as I am ready to do them. As far as exercising more - I'm still trying to figure out how I can do that better.

4. Be ready for whatever God wants to teach me. Often I'm too hard-headed and stubborn to accept that God is trying to get me to learn something. With all that He has taught me, I want to learn more.

This year my word will be PRAYER. I do believe last year I learned to FOCUS on God. This year, while I continue to focus on Him, I want to deepen my communication with Him. I already pray a lot, but I know I always have a lot to learn.

Have a Happy and Prayerful New Year!

A Name Like No Other

Christmas is in just two days!!! I love Christmas. For me, Christmas is not just a day. I'm sure we've heard so much about the joy of Christmas and maybe by now you're getting tired of it.

This morning, I sat in my dark living room, drinking my coffee, looking at the Christmas tree all lit up with my three year old son curled up in my lap. As I sat there cuddling with my son, my mind began to wander through all the wonderful blessings I have been given.

The ones that struck me the most were the blessings of my children. Blessings, not because they are perfect little angels, but because they bring an opportunity for me to learn grace, mercy, self-control, and a myriad of other things I fail at daily. The blessing of a wonderful husband. Our marriage has not always been easy, but a blessing that has taught me forgiveness, commitment, and what love really means. The blessing of having children and family that have gone before. A blessing that has helped me realize that God really is in control and I can fully trust in Him. The blessing of struggle. A blessing that has taught me that God keeps His promises.

In case you haven't noticed, many of the blessings I see in my life have come through the trials and storms I have endured. But the greatest blessing of all is the one that we celebrate this time of year. The gift of Jesus.

No other gift can compare to a Savior who pursued me. Nothing can compare to a God that loved me so much, He chose to open my eyes to my need for Him. He chose to open my heart to receive Him. He chose to send His Son to take my place, so I can know Him.

Nothing can compare to that.

I LOVE Christmas. Sure I like gifts, but what I love most of all is that I was given the greatest gift, a gift I can celebrate all year.

This past year has been a year of struggles and rough patches, but my soul has never known joy this great. I am so thankful God keeps His promise to continue to work in me until the day of completion.

This joy, the joy that fills my heart and soul, the joy of Christmas is Jesus.

What a powerful name! Try saying it out loud where ever you are right now. Sing it. Shout it. Can you feel the power that name carries?! If you cannot, I pray the Holy Spirit continues to work in your heart.

I love to sing songs of worship and praise and honestly cannot help but dance. But if you want to see me hands raised in the air, smile from ear to ear, voice as loud as can be, sing the name of Jesus. Speak the name of Jesus.

There is no other name that captures my heart to that extent. There is no other name that uplifts me from the depths of despair. There is no other name that brings with it the power of real JOY!

As you celebrate Christmas, remember that Jesus was not just a baby born in a manger. He is a Savior born to rescue us from the captivity of sin. He is God in human flesh, that we can trust to know our pain and our struggle. He is CHRIST who defeated the grave so that we may know life!

Jesus

Don't just know His name. Know Him.

Repeat Lessons

This past week I have been reminded that not everything will go according to the way I have planned. Yes, this is something we are reminded frequently each day with all the little things, but we still seem to be unprepared when it happens in the "big" things, or at least what we consider as the "big" things at that time. At least for me anyway. 

So, things were not going my way. I'll be honest, I was upset. Almost to the point of tears. While I was able to contain those emotions for quite some time, the tears eventually came. But not from the upset of life not going according to my plan.

The tears came, because I realized that I was making MY plan more important than HIS plan. How dare I be so selfish? The tears flowed as my heart grieved my pride. In a flood of tears I was reminded that not only is His plan bigger and better than mine, it always has His and my good in mind. My plans are always so limited to what I can see, what I know, what I can envision, what I can imagine. How do I ever get to a place where I think I can possibly come up with some plan that rivals God's? 

As I was hit with this, it got me thinking. What would my life be like, if everything had gone according to my plan? Since I do not know all things, I am only able to go back through what has happened in my life and how certain things would be different if I had had my way. 

One thing I am for sure, I would not have nearly as many blessings in my life as I have now. I will not expand on the reasons why these would be true, but here is a list of things that would be different if I had my way throughout my life:

1. I would be a professional dancer. This sounds like a good thing, but I would be a dancer not using their talents for God's glory.

2. I would not be married to Josh. If this had happened, I would also not have any of my beautiful children whom I love so much.

3. Even if I had married Josh, I would be divorced already. 

4. Some of my children would have never been born. Those I have lost, would have been born.

5. Josh would have a nice, cushy job - and I would never have learned to trust God's provision.

6. I would have an amazing body - and would never have learned the meaning of true beauty.

7. I would have lost my virginity to a married man as a teenager. 

These are just a few of the "big" things I thought about. In comparison to the situation I was dealing with last week, that situation just shrunk more and more by the moment. It's so easy to get caught up in what is going on right here, right now, that we forget the One who is over all things, knows the bigger picture and knows how this moment, right here, right now, plays a part in that bigger plan. We think we know how it plays a part in the "bigger" plan of our lives, but our lives are just a breath of eternity. Does not God's plan for our lives, for life in general, far exceed our own? Yes. Every. Single. Time. This doesn't mean we shouldn't make plans, that we shouldn't prepare or make decisions. What it means is that we shouldn't get so caught up in our own plans, that we don't allow for His plans. You would think with all I've been through in this life, I would have learned this lesson by now. Apparently, I'm a hard learner. Anyway, I'm just glad that God keeps on teaching me, even if it means many repeat lessons. 

A Life of Everlasting Impact

As I thought about this day coming up, I wasn't sure how I would feel or what I would be thinking. 

Today is the day Nehemiah Laminin was due to be born. 

I know that doesn't mean he would have been born on this day exactly, but it would have been around this time. 

I thought maybe I would be sad, and I am a little. The tears come as I think about holding him. It will be a long time before I get to hold him again. But I WILL get to hold him again and there is hope in that. 

But mostly I think of all the joy his short life brought. Because of him, my joy in Christ has been renewed. My hope in Christ's coming has been restored. The peace that surpasses all understanding guards my heart and mind (Phil. 4:7). My marriage has renewed life. I am a little better at loving my children. And I hope that there are others whose life he has touched. 

What has hit me the most is the insurmountable peace I now have. I don't quite know how to explain it except to just tell you the difference. There are two major areas of my life that I have noticed the peace more. 

The first one is in the area of finances. My husband has worked a seasonal job for many years. This means he has often been unemployed for about three months in the winter. We live paycheck to paycheck when he is working, so you can imagine the amount of strain this puts on our family. Usually, I have worked a job that I could pick up hours during that time he was not working. I lived life completely stressed out. All I could think about was how we were going to pay our bills. How was I going to make this work? This year, I don't have a job. My parents do not live with us any more (they did for a time and this really helped with the bills). Joshua could be unemployed in a few weeks to a month and I'm not worried about it. Sure there are times when the worry starts to creep in, but then it is almost immediately diminished. There is just such peace in my heart about it that I can't even explain it. I know it is not from me, because as I said I was stressed even when the situation didn't look as bad as it could be this time. Yet, I have peace.

Another area this has hit me hard is in looking at the future. I don't know if you've ever read the book of Revelations, but there will be a time when things get really bad. Our society is already getting worse, and I think about the world my children will have to live in. This can make me scared, and at times it has. And when I get scared, I worry about them and what kind of life they will have and will I get to be here for them, etc... Over the past few months I have thought about this even more. But now when I think about it, I get a little scared, but then there is this unexplainable peace and it's like God is speaking to my heart saying, "You were born for such a time as this." This frightens me a little, but even more it spurs me to train up my children as warriors for the gospel of Christ. It motivates me to be ready with knowing the Word should I one day not be allowed to have a copy of the Bible (this has happened in countries already, so let's not take this freedom for granted). It reminds me that one day my Savior is coming back to claim His own, and I need to be ready. It pushes me to be more intentional in my relationships and loving others. 

Nehemiah may have only had life for such a short time. His eyes may never have opened to see this world. But I know that he was one of the greatest blessings on my life that God could ever give. God used him to change me. Every day when I look at his picture and remember that day I looked into his face, I remember the vision God gave me on that hospital bed. I think of the peace I had then, and the peace I have now and know that God truly does use the weak, the humble, the smallest of hearts to bring about His glory.