She stood in the room filled with people, looking all around her. Usually the life of the party, but this time was different. This time, she stood there looking around and all she could think was, "I know everyone in here. But do I really KNOW anyone in here? Do they really KNOW me?" She looked at the group of those whom she called "friends"and realized not a single one of them has called her in the last month and one of them made a comment on Facebook about getting together, but she had brushed them off, not really sure if they had really meant it. Throughout the rest of the evening, she did talk to others, but realized the conversation never went past the usual small talk. Which made her wonder when was the last time she had a conversation that wasn't just surface level information. No one asked why she wasn't being her usual self, or why she seemed more reserved. "Did anyone even care?" she wondered.
How many of us have felt this way? We know so many people, but how many do we really KNOW? How many people really KNOW us?
Sometimes, it seems like no one really wants relationships with that kind of intimacy. Many people, who know me, think being open about my feelings and thoughts comes easily for me. But it doesn't. I force myself to share my deepest feelings and thoughts. Why don't I just keep them to myself? Because I crave intimacy with others, and I know that the only hope I have of getting that is to allow others to really KNOW me. But many times, it seems people hear those thoughts or feelings and run the other direction, instead of getting closer.
Maybe it's too much for people to see that girl who seems so happy all the time, struggling with insecurity. Or that girl who seems to have it all together, feeling like her world is falling apart all around her. Maybe it's too hard to realize that this girl who claims to love God with all she has (and I do), struggles sometimes to trust Him.
I think about the relationships I have here on earth and I just feel so lonely. So much so, I often ask God to send Jesus back or just take me home soon. I know that sounds depressing, but while I can have an intimate relationship with Him now, I know that in heaven that relationship will be perfect. For now, it's only perfect on His end.
I admit that some of my struggle with relationships is on my part, but I also know that it's not all me either. We are imperfect people, but are we really making an effort to let people know how important they are to us? Are we making sure they know we care about them, and love them no matter what? Are we making an effort to get past the small talk and let them in to our heart?
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A Song of Joy
I know it's been a long time since I've written, but summer is upon us and that means I'm spending less time on the computer and more time outside.
Although it has been almost two months now, I wanted to share my experience in the hospital as I delivered Nehemiah.
Yes, I still think about it. Every. Single. Day. And I hope that never changes.
I love to think about it, because even though my heart was grieved, God gave me such amazing peace and joy. Peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
I remember going to the hospital grieved that I had lost my child, yet I still had that excitement that I always do as I look forward to seeing and holding my little baby.
My husband and a great friend were with me that night. We talked and laughed and prayed. It was getting late and I was getting tired and I kept falling asleep. I fell asleep for quite awhile and when I woke up everyone told me I had the biggest smile on my face as I slept and they were wondering why.
I had fallen asleep singing praise songs to God. The one I most distinctly remember singing is Bless The Lord Oh My Soul. I had a dream that I was walking over water, carrying my baby as I was singing. Then a bright light shown, rising up from the horizon and Jesus appeared. The light was so bright I could not see His face. He reached out and took the baby from my arms and held him close in His arms. All the while, I kept singing. He was cuddling the baby so sweetly and gently, as if it were His own. And I was filled with comfort. Then Satan came and he tried to block my view, so that I couldn't see anymore. I kept singing as I tried to see around him, but eventually I couldn't see anymore. And I said to Satan, "It's ok. I don't need to see. I already know it's true." And I continued to sing. Satan tried to stop me from singing, but I just sung louder and stronger and eventually he gave up.
When I woke up and they told me I had a smile on my face, all I could do was thank God for giving me that dream. Because I not only had a smile on my face, I had a smile on my heart.
The smile on my face stayed and my heart was so lifted, that when the time came for me to deliver little Nehemiah all I could was smile and say "He's beautiful!" And he was.
I look at his picture every day and smile at how beautiful he is and know that he is being cared for by the best Father anyone can have.
Although it has been almost two months now, I wanted to share my experience in the hospital as I delivered Nehemiah.
Yes, I still think about it. Every. Single. Day. And I hope that never changes.
I love to think about it, because even though my heart was grieved, God gave me such amazing peace and joy. Peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
I remember going to the hospital grieved that I had lost my child, yet I still had that excitement that I always do as I look forward to seeing and holding my little baby.
My husband and a great friend were with me that night. We talked and laughed and prayed. It was getting late and I was getting tired and I kept falling asleep. I fell asleep for quite awhile and when I woke up everyone told me I had the biggest smile on my face as I slept and they were wondering why.
I had fallen asleep singing praise songs to God. The one I most distinctly remember singing is Bless The Lord Oh My Soul. I had a dream that I was walking over water, carrying my baby as I was singing. Then a bright light shown, rising up from the horizon and Jesus appeared. The light was so bright I could not see His face. He reached out and took the baby from my arms and held him close in His arms. All the while, I kept singing. He was cuddling the baby so sweetly and gently, as if it were His own. And I was filled with comfort. Then Satan came and he tried to block my view, so that I couldn't see anymore. I kept singing as I tried to see around him, but eventually I couldn't see anymore. And I said to Satan, "It's ok. I don't need to see. I already know it's true." And I continued to sing. Satan tried to stop me from singing, but I just sung louder and stronger and eventually he gave up.
When I woke up and they told me I had a smile on my face, all I could do was thank God for giving me that dream. Because I not only had a smile on my face, I had a smile on my heart.
The smile on my face stayed and my heart was so lifted, that when the time came for me to deliver little Nehemiah all I could was smile and say "He's beautiful!" And he was.
I look at his picture every day and smile at how beautiful he is and know that he is being cared for by the best Father anyone can have.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
A Mother's Cry
Tears fall like rain.
Tears of heartache.
Tears of pain.
I just want
To hold him once again.
To look on his face,
To see his little hand.
A bond has been forged
That can never be erased
A mother's love
Through our hearts
Has been laced.
Yet there is a love
That flows deeper
Than even a mother can give.
The love that Christ showed
When He took you to be His.
My soul cries out to God!
But I am not asking why.
Because I know
You will cherish him even more than I.
I cry out because I need you, Lord
Only You bring comfort to my soul
I cry out because there is now a void,
Only You can make me whole.
Lord, hold him in your arms
Until You call me home.
Lord, hold me too
While on this earth I still roam.
May the short time he had
Bring glory to Your name.
For I know that at least I
Will forever be changed.
Tears of heartache.
Tears of pain.
I just want
To hold him once again.
To look on his face,
To see his little hand.
A bond has been forged
That can never be erased
A mother's love
Through our hearts
Has been laced.
Yet there is a love
That flows deeper
Than even a mother can give.
The love that Christ showed
When He took you to be His.
My soul cries out to God!
But I am not asking why.
Because I know
You will cherish him even more than I.
I cry out because I need you, Lord
Only You bring comfort to my soul
I cry out because there is now a void,
Only You can make me whole.
Lord, hold him in your arms
Until You call me home.
Lord, hold me too
While on this earth I still roam.
May the short time he had
Bring glory to Your name.
For I know that at least I
Will forever be changed.
Friday, May 24, 2013
This Is the Day That the Lord Has Made
This is the day (this is the day)
That the Lord has made (that the Lord has made)
We will rejoice (we will rejoice)
And be glad in it (and be glad in it)
This is the day that the Lord has made
We will rejoice and be glad in it
This is the day (this is the day)
That the Lord has made
This is the song that I woke my children up to yesterday morning. Hoping to begin our day on a positive note with maybe a little less yelling (mainly from me). Hoping for more joyful obedience (one can hope right?).
I began this day not knowing that as I awoke singing this song on my lips, later I would need to choose if I was going to sing this song in my heart.
Because this is the day we found out that we have lost the child I am carrying.
This is the day we found out that our little baby's heart had stopped beating and he or she will be born without life.
My heart mourns for this little life that was lost. Tears come when I least expect them. The air around me is heavy with sadness.
But even though my heart grieves for my child, there is still joy.
I rejoice this day knowing that God is sovereign.
I rejoice in knowing that His plan is better than mine, no matter what it is.
I rejoice is knowing that my child is now with Him in heaven.
I rejoice in the blessings He still allows me to have on this earth.
I rejoice in the fact that He is the God of peace, the God of love, the God of joy.
I rejoice in knowing that He is my Comforter, my Keeper, my Fortress.
I rejoice in knowing that this IS the day that HE has made.
There are still tears. There is still sadness. My heart still grieves.
But through it all I cling to His promise:
Zeph 8:10b - "Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Today I chose to again wake my children up with that song (we told them last night what is happening). And today a new song of truth and promise rings in my heart:
Friday, April 26, 2013
"Yes, Your Majesty."
A few days ago, my daughter was joking around and responded to something I told her to do with "Yes, your Majesty." She was not being disrespectful in any way, but it did get me thinking...
How do we respond to God when He is requiring our obedience?
We know from Scripture that He is the King of Kings (Psalm 5:2; Psalm 24:8; Isaiah 43:15; 1 Timothy 6:15; Revelation 17:14; Revelation 19:16). We also know that if we are in Christ we are adopted into God's family as His children and are now heirs with Christ (Romans 8:15-17; Ephesians 1:5; Galatians 4:7; James 2:5).
This means that we are considered princes and princesses. This means that our Father is the King of Kings.
As parents, we expect our children to obey. We expect them to obey, not with grumbling and complaining, but with a "Yes, Mom." or "Yes, Dad." Why? Because Scripture tells them to honor their parents.
But as adults, do we honor our heavenly Father by obeying, not with grumbling and complaining, not with questioning, not with doubt and fear, but with "Yes, Your Majesty."? After all, He is the King and anything less than obedience is treason against the King - in other words, sin.
How do we respond to God when He is requiring our obedience?
We know from Scripture that He is the King of Kings (Psalm 5:2; Psalm 24:8; Isaiah 43:15; 1 Timothy 6:15; Revelation 17:14; Revelation 19:16). We also know that if we are in Christ we are adopted into God's family as His children and are now heirs with Christ (Romans 8:15-17; Ephesians 1:5; Galatians 4:7; James 2:5).
This means that we are considered princes and princesses. This means that our Father is the King of Kings.
As parents, we expect our children to obey. We expect them to obey, not with grumbling and complaining, but with a "Yes, Mom." or "Yes, Dad." Why? Because Scripture tells them to honor their parents.
But as adults, do we honor our heavenly Father by obeying, not with grumbling and complaining, not with questioning, not with doubt and fear, but with "Yes, Your Majesty."? After all, He is the King and anything less than obedience is treason against the King - in other words, sin.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Cells of Faith
These past couple weeks I've really been struggling with trusting God. As my husband and I prayed about and eventually made the decision for me to quit my job, fully based on what we believe God wanted us to do, the struggle began. I was starting to struggle all over again with trusting God over our finances.
WHY?
Has God not just spent months showing me He is Jehovah - Jireh (the God who provides)? Has He not just spent months proving to me His faithfulness?
Yet, here I am, starting to stress all over again. Starting to lose faith and wondering how I was going to figure this out.
Do you see the problem? Yeah, I know. I was trying to do it myself again.
I spent this last weekend at a women's retreat for our church. As part of the team, I had spent months helping prepare for this retreat and even writing a talk to give on the weekend. God taught me so many things, even through my own talk, but one of the most memorable things I learned is this:
laminin
Maybe you know what this is, but if you are like me and don't know much about science, let me tell you.
Laminin is the protein cell that is the foundation for all of our other cells to function. It is what holds us together.
So you're thinking, "Great, what's so exciting about that?" Oh, but wait, let me show you what laminin looks like
This is a scientific diagram of what the cell structure laminin looks like.
This is a picture of an actual laminin cell structure.
Are you as excited as I am to know that Christ is written into my very being? That the stuff that was made to hold us together is in the shape of the cross, a reminder of what Christ has done for us? But even more exciting is to know that this has been there, a part of human beings since the beginning of Creation!
Wow!
Let me just say that I love how the more I learn about God's design for Creation the more awestruck I am at His glory. Wow!
As I sit here reflecting on His great glory and how He intricately designed His Creation to point back to Him, I wonder how can I doubt His work? How do I get to a point where I think that the Almighty God, who not only knew, but planned for me to be His would not care about my needs, or not see that I desperately need Him? Especially, when He has asked me to take a step of faith that requires me to trust Him.
He is the very center of my being. May He always be the very center of my life.
Monday, February 18, 2013
A Moment to Reflect and Prepare
This morning I was at McDonald's meeting someone to pick up a special birthday cake I had made for Gideon's birthday party. As I sat there by myself waiting, I had a chance to reflect on this past weekend, past week, and then the past couple months.
I couldn't help but smile as I thought about all the overwhelming blessings God has given us throughout this time! My heart is so full of joy and love and peace. I realized that one of the greatest blessings is that He has opened my eyes to see Him working in me and around me, and He has let me be a part of that work!
But as I pondered this it occurred to me that while I would love to be in this place where I can literally feel His blessings raining down on me for the rest of my life, that is unlikely. What is likely is that I am going to face times when I can't see Him as clearly. When I don't feel His arms wrapped around me.
Immediately, I began to pray:
God, thank you for allowing me this time of special blessing! Thank you for opening my eyes to see your handiwork so clearly and allowing me to be a part of it. Joy is overflowing from my heart as I sit here thinking about all you have done in the last couple months. I know there will come a day when I can't see you working in me and around me so clearly. I know I am going to face hardship and struggles that will test my faith. When that time comes, Lord please help me to remember this time right now! Please let me look back on your faithfulness and stand in truth. Please give me the desire to see your blessings all around me, even when it seems that I have to search harder. As I look back at my journey, I remember very dark times when I allowed my emotions to cloud the truth. I don't ever want to go back there! No matter what, I want to praise Your name! Please allow me to praise you through anything and everything as you lead me through a world that is not my home.
Though it sounds pessimistic, my joy was not gone or fading. Rather, I was coming to terms with the reality that I needed to prepare for what was in store. It is often said that after every spiritual high there is a devastating low - oddly, my highs seem to come just after the darkest times in my life, but no matter. The point is, the road will get hard. I know this, I have experienced this many times. But I don't want those experiences to be the same. I want the next time to be different. Rather than turning my focus inward, I want my focus to remain upward, still giving God the glory, still praising Him for His many blessings, still joyful knowing that I have not gone beyond His outstretched arm!
I couldn't help but smile as I thought about all the overwhelming blessings God has given us throughout this time! My heart is so full of joy and love and peace. I realized that one of the greatest blessings is that He has opened my eyes to see Him working in me and around me, and He has let me be a part of that work!
But as I pondered this it occurred to me that while I would love to be in this place where I can literally feel His blessings raining down on me for the rest of my life, that is unlikely. What is likely is that I am going to face times when I can't see Him as clearly. When I don't feel His arms wrapped around me.
Immediately, I began to pray:
God, thank you for allowing me this time of special blessing! Thank you for opening my eyes to see your handiwork so clearly and allowing me to be a part of it. Joy is overflowing from my heart as I sit here thinking about all you have done in the last couple months. I know there will come a day when I can't see you working in me and around me so clearly. I know I am going to face hardship and struggles that will test my faith. When that time comes, Lord please help me to remember this time right now! Please let me look back on your faithfulness and stand in truth. Please give me the desire to see your blessings all around me, even when it seems that I have to search harder. As I look back at my journey, I remember very dark times when I allowed my emotions to cloud the truth. I don't ever want to go back there! No matter what, I want to praise Your name! Please allow me to praise you through anything and everything as you lead me through a world that is not my home.
Though it sounds pessimistic, my joy was not gone or fading. Rather, I was coming to terms with the reality that I needed to prepare for what was in store. It is often said that after every spiritual high there is a devastating low - oddly, my highs seem to come just after the darkest times in my life, but no matter. The point is, the road will get hard. I know this, I have experienced this many times. But I don't want those experiences to be the same. I want the next time to be different. Rather than turning my focus inward, I want my focus to remain upward, still giving God the glory, still praising Him for His many blessings, still joyful knowing that I have not gone beyond His outstretched arm!
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