Heart Position

Hearts pouring out grumbling
Complaining on their lips.
The Israelites in the wilderness
Thinking they deserve better than "this"

Yet He hears
Yet He answers

How dare they think
Even for a moment
That what they are seemingly lacking
Gives them right to speak against
The Creator of all heaven and earth

As if He doesn't see
As if He doesn't know

They thought He took them
Out to the wilderness to die.
But what they didn't know
Or rather, what they didn't believe
Is that they had been chosen.

Handpicked
Selected

Or maybe they thought that gave
Them a higher status
A ranking above the rest of His creation
A place to stand with heads held high
A place to look down from

They couldn't be
More wrong

We read their story and judge
Disgusted by their ungratefulness
Forgetting the miracles that saved them
And what they left behind

They are us
Their story is ours

We too have been called
Away from a life that we knew
Where we were comfortable
Suffering in disguise
Pulled out of the place of death

Given a new land
A new position

This position is not a place to stand
To look down on the rest of Creation
It is a place to kneel
Where our eyes look up to
The One who brought us there

In His grace
Undeserving

Our hearts pour out grumbling
Complaining on our lips
Thinking there is more in this world
Than what we have
That should be ours

He still hears
He still answers

Our needs met without hesitation
But looking different from our expectation
Food fell from the sky to feed an entire nation
We doubt He can change our current state of affliction

Cry out
To God

Immeasurable grace is given
Faithlessness is forgiven
Hearts turned to praise
Perspective changed
Position embraced.

Failing At Life

Have you heard people use the phrase "I'm failing at life."? I know I've been guilty of saying that at least a few times. This morning that phrase popped in my head, as I went down to do laundry and realized that I had left a load in the washer for probably about 4 days now, and I was out of laundry detergent. Only this time, I had to question what that really means.

"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained. Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. For many, of whom I have often told you, and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. There end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself."

Philippians 3:14-21

This is the Scripture I've been studying for about the past two weeks for a Bible study. I had read it over again this morning, before I went to start laundry. 

What I realized this morning is that when we say "I'm failing at life", what we really mean is "I can't keep up with all the to-dos. The tasks, events, expectations, that I have set on myself, that others have put on me, are overwhelming and I just can't keep up. " We think because we can't seem to juggle the busyness of life without dropping a ball here or there, we are failing at life. 

But is that even what life is all about?

Yes, there are things we just have to do, like laundry, but according to the Scripture above, my life is not about how well I keep up with the laundry, and if my to-do list becomes my standard for life, I've lost sight of the real goal - to follow Christ.

In all honesty, if my life is going to be judged on how well I kept up with my to-do list, or juggled busyness, I'm ok with failing.

What I don't want to happen is that I fail at life for real. God has a real purpose for my life. A purpose that extends far beyond the piles of laundry (and in my house, those extend pretty far!)

Am I failing at setting my eyes, heart, and mind on Christ? 

Am I failing at pursuing Him as my goal?

Am I failing at holding true to my salvation I've been given through His blood?

Am I failing at walking according to Jesus's example, am I walking as an enemy of the cross of Christ?

Am I failing by setting my mind on earthly things? 

Am I failing at remembering where my true home is, and honoring it?

Yes! I fail at these things every day, but praise God for his grace! Praise God that having true life is not based on my ability to keep up! Praise God that He alone is the One who transforms our hearts and minds and will one day transform our bodies as well! Praise God He is able to subject ALL things to himself, even me!

I fail at real life, when I've taken my eyes off of Christ, off of the real goal, off of His purpose and plan, off of His will. But I can't do it on my own. I have to rely on Christ in me to set my eyes on Him, to drive my heart towards Him. 

That's real life. And I don't have to be failing at it, because Christ already has freed me from sin, which means He has freed me from myself, my own desires, my blinded perspective on "life", and my inability to meet His standards. The Holy Spirit is a complete game changer, allowing me to live a life of purpose, not in my own strength or ability, but in the Almighty strength of God. The One who has the power to subject ALL things to Himself, lives in me. How can life possibly be about a to-do list any more?

Dreams

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick;

Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9

Recently, I have been having some crazy dreams. A couple of these dreams have very much alarmed me. I will not go into the details here, other than to say, they are dreams of me doing things I never thought I would do.

Sure, they are just dreams. It doesn't mean I will ever physically do these things. However, as I woke this morning I was reminded of this verse:

But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has 

already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 5:28

I know this is about men lusting after women and that is a common issue men have, but right here, right now, let's speak the truth

Women also have sexual desires, and these desires can affect them in similar sinful ways. 

There I said it. I'm throwing it out there like a bomb. But I just need to be real. 

Now, let me also make clear, that I have not been having desires for men other than my husband. However, the dreams I have had and remembering this verse have made something very clear to me

I am capable of any sin. 

Who do I think I am, that I have in my own mind that I am above any type of sin? The verse at the top makes it clear, my heart is deceitful and desperately sick. Who can understand it? God can. The very one who has created my heart is the only one who can cleanse my heart

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins

and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9

I am not able to keep myself from sin, no matter how hard I try. No matter how much I say I don't want it in my life. I NEED Christ. I NEED the Holy Spirit to continue His work in me. (Phil 1:6) I NEED to cry out to Him:

Do not let my heart incline to any evil,

to busy myself with wicked deeds

In company with men who work iniquity,

and let me not eat of their delicacies!

...But my eyes are toward you, O God, my Lord;

in you I seek refuge, leave me not defenseless!

Psalm 141:4, 8

The Action of Respect

What does it it look like to respect your husband?

I'm not asking what it means, I think most of us have a pretty good understanding of the definition of respect. But what does that look like?

Women will often say they respect their husbands, but do we really? Do we show them that respect by our actions? Because really that's how they will know.

As women we tend to complain a lot about our husbands (side note: this is not respect), but what stands out to me the most, is that often what women complain about is the differences between them and their husband. One of them likes something one way, the other doesn't. "Why can't they just see how my way is better?!" - seems to be the underlying statement that is being made. But what if instead we chose respect?

Let's say you hate to wash the dishes, so it's the job that you put off until the end of the day, and if you don't get to it, oh well. BUT your husband hates coming  home to see dirty dishes filling the sink and lining the counter. This daily scenario causes many spats and bickering. "Why can't he just understand that I don't like to do the dishes and it's time consuming so I don't have time to do it during the day anyway?" That's what we say. He should be the one to get over it, because let's face it, you're never going to care as much about the dishes as he does right?

True. You will never care about the dishes as much as he does. But why does that matter? Why do you have to care about the dishes to do them the way he wants you to?

Why not choose respect? If he cares that much about the dishes, do them first. To not do them, simply because you do not care as much is selfish.

The Bible tells us to submit to our husbands (Eph. 5:22, 24; Col. 3:18; 1 Tim. 3:11). Submission is an act of love. An act of respect.

I respect my husband for the hardworking man that he is and want him to come home to a peaceful environment  where he feels relaxed. I respect that his needs are different than my own. I respect him as the man God gave me to love and support.

I will show him that respect by doing the dishes before he gets home, even when I don't feel like it.

I can show my husband respect when I take care of his needs first. When I realize that I don't have to care about the same things as he does, but I do have to care for him.

One Body, One Breath.

The other night was one of those rare nights where my husband actually went to bed before me. Usually we go to bed together, but every once in a while I go to bed first. It's not often that he goes to bed first.

He was already asleep when I went to bed. As I laid down next to him, getting ready to fall asleep, I noticed that the closer I got to sleeping the more our breathing began to align together.

As sappy as this sounds, I must admit, I LOVE when that happens. It reminds me of the night we spent in the hospital just over two years ago, knowing we were going to lose our son. A dear friend stayed at the hospital with us that night and one of the only things I remember her saying to me was that at one point during the night both Josh and I were sleeping and she realized that we breathe together when we sleep.

This might not mean much to many people, but it is a reminder to me of how God has unified us. I often tell people, that my husband and I would never be together if it weren't for God, and that is definitely true. Truer still, is the fact that we wouldn't still be together if not for God, but that's a story for another day.

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Genesis 2:24

You might think this post is about marriage, but it's not. Breathing together in our sleep is a picture of unity. Unity that only God can bring. 

This got me thinking about the church. Why? Because God uses the example of marriage to describe the church - we are his bride that should be preparing to meet our bride groom when he returns for us. (Rev. 19:7)

Romans 12 talks about the church working as one person. We all make up one body. 

But I fear we often lose sight of what it means to be one body. Of what it looks like to not only work together, serve together, but do we "breathe" together?

Do we together draw in the life-giving source, the very breath of life? 

Do we together breathe out that life into others, as one body?

Are we breathing in unison with Christ?

Are we leaving this world behind to be united in Christ? 

So many things, both big and small can rise up and cause division in the church (or in our marriage). We must be on guard and remember that God wants us to breathe as one. As one body of believers. As one being in Him. 

When Submission Saves a Marriage

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 

For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church

submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."

Ephesians 5:22-24

Over the past few years, God has really been putting a desire in my heart to submit to my husband. For the most part, it has seemed like more of a desire to have an opportunity to submit, because my husband has struggled to lead. I don't say that to tear him down, but it is the reality of our situation. I never really could understand why submission was something I felt like I needed to work on so much. I mean even when I was trying to get my husband to take lead, he didn't always, so how could I submit? That's the question I frequently asked myself and God. I prayed for his leadership more than anything else, because somehow I knew I needed to practice submission.

I knew I needed it, because I know I can be controlling. I know that I naturally tend to dominate, which is why we have marriage role issues.

I never knew this would be why.

Because here we are at a crisis point. From where I stand, all I can see is the broken pieces of my heart raining down all around me. We talk and some things get clearer, while others become more confusing and all I understand is that trust has been broken. While I fight to know why, to make some sense out of all of this, I just can't understand. Why is this happening? Why has God allowed this? Will trust ever be restored? Can it? These questions roll through my mind over and over until the tears break loose. Then I pull myself together and it starts all over again.

We're at a point where changes need to happen in order for us to move forward. Decisions need to be made. Submit in everything. During a discussion about one of these decisions, I found myself saying to my husband, "I don't trust you, but I will submit to you." The look he gave me was one of surprise, as if he couldn't understand why I would do that. In all honesty, I was surprised as well that those words even came off my lips, but even more that I knew I was willing to submit. I wasn't fighting the need to submit at all. I knew he needed to make this decision and I needed to be willing to accept whatever decision he made, especially if I wanted things to move forward.

Later I realized that even during this crisis in our marriage, I had willingly submitted to my husband's need for sex. Not begrudgingly. Not with a bad attitude. Not numbing myself. Not selfishly. But with a loving attitude.

I don't say this to puff myself up. In fact I'm only writing all this because I'm sure somewhere down the road I'm going to need to remind myself that this is why God had been working on my heart of submission.

All this time I didn't understand, except that I knew it's what God wants. I knew neither of us were really living out the appropriate roles in our marriage. I knew what the Bible said. What I didn't know is how this would save our marriage.

We're not out of the woods yet. Not by a long shot. But I know that as long as I'm willing to submit, to my husband, but more importantly, to God, we have a chance at restoration.

The tears are coming yet again, but this time it's because I am so thankful that our Father in heaven knows what we need and He never fails to provide. He knew I needed to be ready, so He prepared my heart.

For those of you who may struggle with submission, all I can say is, I never knew it would bring such joy. I never realized it would bring such peace. But obeying God always does, and that is what we need to remember most. Obeying God is where we find joy and peace.

*I would appreciate if you would respect our privacy regarding the details of our marital issues.

Morning Thoughts

I woke up this morning with this verse in mind:

"His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant.

You have been faithful over a little, I will set you over much. 

Enter into the joy of your master.' "

Matthew 25:23

I can't even remember the last time I read this verse, so I'm not sure why it came to my mind this morning, but it did get me thinking. This verse is found twice in the parable of the talents. This is a parable about a master who was going away for a while, so he entrusted some of his money to a few of his servants. To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one. The servants who were given five and two doubled the money by the time their master returned. The servant given one, buried his in the ground, for fear of losing it. Okay, so here is a parable about money and within this parable we find the verse above not once, but twice as a response to the two who doubled the money they were given to look after. Naturally, we look at this parable and this verse and think Jesus is talking about what we do with our money or treasure.

Only this morning, when this verse came to mind, immediately I thought - "What if this has nothing to do with money at all?" You see, money is OUR treasure. It is something we value and hold up as something of worth. It would have been valuable to the master spoken of in this parable, which is why he was pleased when his servants used it and did well with it. But this is a parable. Jesus used parables to teach about heavenly principles, though many missed the point. I fear we are missing the point. 

I have even heard some teach that it's not necessarily speaking about money, but it could be the talents God has given us, or even children or a myriad of other things that are indeed blessings. But what if it's none of those things at all?

What if Jesus is speaking what He considers valuable? In this parable it is clear that God is the Master represented, so wouldn't the treasure he entrusted to his servants follow with what God considers treasure? 

So what is God's treasure that He rewards those who use it well? Faith. 

Consider the words in the verse "good and faithful servant", "faithful over a little".

He is rewarding those who have faith. What is He rewarding them with? More faith. 

Ok, so maybe that's a little confusing, but hang with me here. When is God most glorified in our lives? When we have faith. 

We can look at this and think, "Well, the times I need to have the most faith are in times of trial and suffering. Does that mean He's going to reward me with more suffering?" Maybe. That's probably not the answer you want to hear, but if God is most glorified in your life in times of suffering, and that is when you exhibit faith most clearly, than yeah it might mean more suffering. Let's be honest, this is probably true for most of us, but that does not discourage me. Why? Because I think of the apostle Paul, and the many other missionaries and believers who have suffered tremendously because of their faith, but through it all, God was glorified.

So what if it does mean suffering? We could have the attitude of Paul and say "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10. Or we could allow that to scare us, because, let's face it, we don't like having to suffer.

This morning I woke up with these thoughts on my mind. Again, I hadn't read that passage in God knows how long - seriously, He is the only one who knows how long, but with it these thoughts of Paul and suffering. This may seem somewhat depressing to some, but I was encouraged. I was encouraged because of the truth that when I am faithful, He rewards with more faith. That may include more times of trial, hardship, suffering, etc. to exhibit that faith, but I'm ok with that. Because He is ALWAYS faithful.

What is to Come?

There's been a lot going on in my heart and mind lately. I've been tired and very frustrated. Not because of the size of my family, or that I'm pregnant, or busy, or whatever.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing out on the real purpose God has for my life.

I'm frustrated because I'm not quite sure yet what that means exactly.

I look around at all the stuff we have, and while yes, I recognize the blessing, I often feel overwhelmed. I don't NEED more stuff. Heck, I don't even want more stuff. Yet, it feels like that's what we live for, to get to this point where we can achieve more, do more, get more. I'm tired of it.

In my Scripture reading, sermons I've been listening to, books I've been reading and teaching I've sat under recently, it seems like God is just pounding in the same message over and over - "I've got something for you worth far more. Something that is going to require that you be willing to part with the stuff, separate with the familiar, and walk in faith down a new path. Something that will require that you trust me with the safety of your children, with provision for your family, with the very needs of your soul."

This may sound scary to some, but I'm excited for what is to come, so much so that I'm frustrated it's not clear to me yet.

For a long time, I've made excuses for why I didn't do certain things. While missions has always been heavy on my heart, I've made the excuse that it's just not the season of my life for that, because it would be difficult for me to go on a missions trip having to find care for my children while I'm gone and what not. Or while reaching out and getting to know my neighbors better has been on my heart, there's always something that "gets in the way" of me inviting them over. I'm sick of making excuses. I know I'm missing out on what God has for me. I know I'm not giving Him all He wants from me.

I don't want to be held back by fear, busyness, wrong goals, self-centeredness, fatigue or excuses.

I want to live a real Spirit-filled life. A life that allows God to transform how I look at others - everyone, my kids, neighbors, husband, people I don't know, family, etc. A life that changes the way I treat others, because I see them through God's eyes and not my own. A life that is lived solely for the purpose of serving others and modeling Christ to those around me. A life that is focused on God and His kingdom and the real purpose of life here on earth. A life that is missional - seeking the lost, not avoiding them - for the purpose of sharing Christ.

Even now I struggle putting into words exactly what God has laid so heavy on my heart. Maybe because I'm not sure yet what exactly this is going to look like. I just know it means HUGE changes. Some of you who know me, may not see it as huge changes, but the weight of it, the heaviness of it, tells me it's big. And I want to be ready. I want to be willing. I don't want to get in the way any more. Christ lives in me, which means this life is no longer mine. It is for His purpose only. My prayer is that He will make that true of my life. That it will be only for His glory that I live, speak, act.

Letting Go of Expectations

We all have these expectations of life. They may be things like what a friendship is supposed to be like, how much money we should have, how we think someone else should treat us, how much time something should take, how are children should behave, what are social status should be, what our job should be, etc. The list could go on and on and on. So what is my point? Well, let me ask you a question, How many of your expectations you have created for life have been satisfied?

How many things have actually turned out the way you expected them to? Maybe your are fortunate enough to name a few. But I bet if we really thought long and hard about all the expectations we've created for our lives, we would all probably have to say very few, if any, have been satisfied in the way we expected them to be.

I'm beginning to learn to let go. This isn't easy, because it means I have to change my way of thinking about everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING.

 Not everything has to be done exactly the way I would have done it or the way I think is best. Other people can do it their way and you know what, it's ok. This became most evident to me in the area of cleaning the house. We have a lot of people who live in this house, so it's not easy to keep up on the mess around here. Even with help it's a struggle. But I realized I do need help, so my kids do a lot of cleaning. I teach them how, and of course I expect their best, but that's just it - THEIR best, not mine. The only way I can appreciate them helping is if I accept their best. I could try to control how well they clean, but really how effective will that be when they are still relatively young? I'm just glad I don't have to do it all. (By the way, this concept goes for my husband as well. Let's be real, he just doesn't see the mess the way I do.)

Relationships are just another area I've realized that having expectations sets me up for disappointment. I am not by any means suggesting that we become doormats to be trampled on, I am rather noting the fact that people are not perfect and that includes me. When I think about the issues I've had with friendships or in my marriage or even with my children, I realize that MOST of the time it was because I had set up these expectations of what I thought they should do in a given situation and they did not respond to that situation in the way I thought they would. I mean, I really don't know why because clearly I already had THE BEST scenario already planned out. All they had to do was just read my mind and follow the steps exactly as I was making them up as the situation played out. Couldn't be that hard, right? (Note sarcasm). Other issues have come from them expecting me to respond a certain way, and of course I didn't. So I quit. To some extent I have to hold certain standards, but I shouldn't expect people to live up to them all of the time, because that my friends is where the trouble begins. I need to let go of these ridiculous expectations of what I think my level of friendship with someone should be, or what that friendship should look like, or what exactly my husband should be like by now (Come on, it's been almost 12 yrs, you would think I would have figured that out by now).

Social status, money, living standard, whatever you want to call it, I've let go of where I think I should be at this point. Clearly, God has other plans for our family. I think about the fact that according to US standards, we are poor. I do not mean that in the exaggerated sense we hear people use all the time, I mean it in the we qualify for food stamps, medical, whatever other type of government assistance is available. While we do use some of this help, we do not take advantage of all these that we technically qualify for. Instead, we choose to sacrifice certain things we do not need, which comes as a huge shock for people, but trust me, you would be surprised to know what you can actually live without. We rely on hand me down and garage sale clothes and reuse most of our school supplies, but is this really poor? This country we live in considers us to be among the poor, yet I look around my house and I see the plenty. We live in a four bedroom house that is fully furnished. We have far more clothes than we actually NEED. I'm sitting here typing on a computer, my own computer, one of four in our house. There are two cars sitting outside in my driveway, not new, but still we have two, and my husband doesn't even have to drive to work. Maybe we don't drive brand new vehicles, subscribe to hundreds of cable channels, own expensive smart phones or buy hardly anything at full price, but we are a far cry from what poor is really. I'm not trying to put anyone on a guilt trip about how they talk about their finances, because I still make "we're poor" jokes and remarks from time to time, but I really had to change my perspective on the life I live if I wanted any chance at being content. Because being content in my situation is not about the situation I'm in, it's about my perspective on that situation. We could be a lot worse off, honestly. We still have a home to live in and we eat multiple times a day. That alone is enough for me to stop my whining at those times when I'm starting to not feel satisfied because we are not where I expected we would be at this point.

My womb is another area I've really had to let go of my expectations. Aside from the fact that I have been wrong about the gender of baby we were expecting in the past, the fact that we are pregnant now is so far from what I expected. So those of you who know that we do not prevent pregnancies in any way are probably scratching your heads wondering how I didn't expect this. The truth is, I truly believed that after I had Gideon (my first son), that through a crazy remark that came out of nowhere God was telling me we were only going to have six and specifically three girls and three boys which is what we have currently. After that came true, I expected to be done. Our pregnancy with Nehemiah actually was a surprise, but I was almost not really surprised to find out we lost him, because of this. I know this sounds crazy. It sounds crazy to me too, just so you realize I am not that far off from normal, but I can't just ignore the fact that came out in that crazy remark actually did happen, and I don't believe in coincidences. That brings us to our current pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, for weeks I was kind of expecting to miscarry again. Even though all is going well in the pregnancy so far, I still don't know what will happen, but that's the point. How can I have an expectation either way at this point? In the 9 times I have been pregnant (including this time), we have had six healthy babies and two miscarriage. This one is still yet to be determined. So far, it is looking like another healthy baby will be born, so I am preparing for that. Yet, after losing a child, when all was going well, I also realize that I have to remain prepared for the possible.

Letting go of expectations may seem like I'm just becoming a hippy or something, or maybe that I've lost my mind. Maybe I have lost my mind, but I've found peace in fully trusting God. When I create all these expectations for my life, I put God in this box and say, "You need to work out these situations in exactly this way, because I've already figured out what would be best for me." How can I possibly even know what would be best for me? I do not gain the wisdom until I have lived through it, and even then I'm often a little slow on the uptake.

Besides, I'm tired of being stressed out living a dissatisfied life because things aren't going my way. It's frustrating. Even as I write this I think about how this first week of summer break is definitely not meeting my expectation of what I thought our summer break would be like - I'm pretty sure I said this isn't really an easy lesson to learn and I'm still learning to let go. I always have loved to learn, so I welcome the lessons.

Almost Half-Way Review

It's about half way into the year and I think it's time to review how I've been doing with the goals I've made.

The word I chose for this year is PRAYER. I've never been one to do well with prayer lists. Mainly, because I start to get bored praying for the same things over and over again. Well, I knew when I started out this year with word being PRAYER that I was really going to be challenged in how I pray. This was so true when it came to a prayer list. Not that I think everyone needs to make a list and pray through it each day, but it was something I needed to be challenged to do. There has been times when boredom has definitely set in and the prayer becomes, "God you know what's written here and what the needs are, but quite honestly, I'm too tired to go through them one by one." After a few days of that, God gently reminds me that this is why I needed to be challenged in this area. I am so thankful for those reminders that help me get back on track.

Another way I have been challenged this year through PRAYER is to pray for a specific person, every day for a week, and then write them a note letting them know they have been prayed for including a little card with the Scripture God leads me to pray for them. Sometimes I don't know the person. Sometimes, I don't know how to pray for them. So I really have to be listening to God and allowing Him to guide me how to pray. This has actually been kind of fun, because God knows exactly what prayers that person needs, and sometimes after they have received their card they tell me that's just what they needed. It's so cool to see God work in that way!

So far, God has shown me how to keep in constant communication with Him, and how to refocus when my brain wants to get off-track when I set aside a time dedicated to prayer. I really need this brain-training.

I also made some other goals for this year, like being healthier. I have been doing great eating much better, but not so great with the exercising until recently. I seem to have no trouble getting out and walking and doing stuff when the weather is nice, but those winter months seem to suck out every ounce of energy I have. So at least the exercising is going better now that the weather is better. I'll take it, even if it did take me almost half the year. 

Trying to decide how I've been doing on the projects. I think I've been doing better about not starting something new unless I know I can finish it. But I've been really tired for a while, so I haven't been starting too many projects. 

Which brings me to some news: We are pregnant again! 

Obviously after last year, this comes with a smorgasboard of thoughts and emotions, but I think back to how God has worked in my life, over and over again, and I know I do not need to worry about anything. 

I am going to continue on in the second half of this year making a commitment to memorize more Scripture. So many reasons to do so, but for me, I was challenged to have more God's Word hidden in my heart, lest one day our freedom of worship be taken away. Also, it has been so cool to pray Scripture over so many people this year, that I want to have more stored up in my mind for when God wants to me to use it for prayer or to speak to others or to remind me of what He says or for whatever other reason.

Blocked by a Wall of Foil

For the past week, I've been reading in Ezra. I'm not finished yet, but there is such an interesting theme screaming to me off the pages that I can't help but write about it.

Quick Summary: Cyrus King of Persia was "was stirred by the Lord" to call the exiled Israelites back to Jerusalem to rebuild the temple. Not only did he call them back, but he ordered the people to given them anything they needed to help them accomplish this. Then everyone "whose spirit God had stirred" got up and went. When they got there it took two years to finish collecting the needed materials before they could begin to build. Once they finally got started, the other people who lived in the land tried everything they could to prevent them from building. This went on for years until there was a new king. The people wrote to this new king asking for his help to stop them from their work and he issued a decree forcing them to stop. The Israelites then had to wait until the next king was in place before being allowed to continue the rebuilding of the temple. (Italicized words are quoted from the ESV)

So God moved the heart of a unbelieving king to gather His people together. He then moved in the hearts of his people to uproot them from the place they were then living to go back to their homeland to begin rebuilding the temple that had been destroyed. They entered into a land that had been taken over by their enemies. These same people did whatever they could to hinder their work. Eventually they had to stop and wait years before they could continue.

Despite all obstacles, they pressed on.

They knew this is what God had called them to do. We know it too, because it's written right there in Scripture that their spirit was stirred by God to go and do this. Yet, they still had to spend time waiting. They still faced many obstacles. 

The stopping and starting, the constant interference, was not enough to stop them. Why?

How often do we begin to question and doubt if what God called us to do is really what God called us to do, simply because things don't seem to be progressing like they should, or we are facing many obstacles?

I guess what screams to me off the pages of Ezra is when God calls us to do something, when He stirs our spirit to do His work, this does not mean it is all going to go smoothly. It does not mean there will not be obstacles. It does not mean there won't be times of stopping and waiting. 

But what are we supposed to do in those times? 

The Israelites pressed on. They stayed ready. When God called them back to their homeland out of exile, they packed up and left immediately. They were ready. When it took years to gather the materials, they continued to collect what they could, when they could. When they began their work and the people of the land tried to stop them, they continued to work. They pressed on. When they were ordered to stop working, they stayed ready and eventually went back to their work before being given permission. They pressed on.

I can't help but ask myself, "What obstacles have I allowed to turn me away from what God has called me?" "Have I allowed a time of waiting to turn into doubt?"

These obstacles seem like huge iron fortresses that make the work we have been called to do seem impossible. But on closer inspection we find they are simply made of foil (reflecting our past fears but easily crumpled by Truth). 

God's will is always going to prevail. He may allow us to experience setbacks. This does not mean we were wrong about where He called us. 

How committed am I to His calling? Am I willing to press on, even when the walls in front of me seem impossible? Am I staying ready in times of waiting, so that when He reopens the gateway, I can continue forward?

I pray I never cease to be amazed at how God speaks through His Word. 

Age is Just a Number

Lately, I've been feeling too young. Being 31, I probably shouldn't feel too young about anything, but I do. Maybe it's because a lot of women that I am close to are older than me. Maybe it's because I am usually the youngest in my seeming group of peers. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly why, I've just been feeling too young.

This has been most dominant in the area of ministry. Too young to hold certain positions, too young to be effective in this area, too young to know how to do this well. 

It's funny how these things kind of creep up on you, because until today, I didn't realize how much I was feeling this way.

Command and teach these things. Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in faith, in purity. Until I come devote yourself to the public reading of Scripture, to exhortation, to teaching. Do not neglect the gift you have, which was given you by prophecy when the council of elders laid their hands on you. Practice these things, immerse yourself in them, so that all may see your progress. Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching. Persist in this, for by doing so you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 Timothy 4:11-16

This was part of the passage I read today. Up to this point, I have pretty much attributed this verse to those in their teens and early twenties. Let's be honest, that's who it's most often spoken to in teaching. Today, I decided to look up some information about how old Timothy was at this point. From what has been gathered from historical information, he is probably about 26-35 yrs. old at the time Paul writes this letter to him. That's my age!

Could Timothy have been feeling the same way I am at this point? 

Here God has sent him out on mission, alone, without Paul - his mentor and guide. He's put into a position where he now has to become the teacher and mentor. Now I'm not saying I'm Timothy and that God is going to lead me to do the same things he is doing here, but wow do I relate. 

Yeah, I'm an adult and have adult responsibilities and all of that, but there's still that nagging thought at the back of my mind, "Am I ready? Am I old enough? Am I mature enough? Will others think I'm too young?" 

Now, I said I didn't realize until today how much I've been feeling this way. When I read this passage, almost immediately conversations came popping back into my mind of instances when I actually said out loud to people "I don't feel like I'm old enough to do that" or "I probably wouldn't be asked because I'm not old enough" or "I'm not sure I'm ready to handle that at my age". Then I was reminded of thoughts that I've had that weren't spoken out loud, but had stopped me from doing certain things. 

God was really speaking to me, making it loud and clear, This  passage is not just for younger people. It's for you. It's for everyone who thinks they're too young or not ready or not well respected enough. It's for everyone I call to do ministry (whatever that ministry is). It doesn't matter how old you are, because the God of eternity is the One at work. He is the one who chooses whom He will use and how. He is the one that makes a ministry effective. 

This is what happens when we lose sight of who is truly the one at work. We start to doubt. I need to regain my focus on Him who is able to do abundantly more than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us (Eph. 3:20), because to Him the glory will be given.

To the Love of My Life

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

I love Valentine's Day. My husband and I don't really do anything like go out, but I do try to do something special for those I love. 

Here is a little song I wrote for the love of my life. You can read it as a poem, but I've been singing it all week.

My heart was changed the day we met

It was a day I’ll never forget

You were the one chasing after me

While I was still trying be wild and free

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder

But that is something I know nothing about

You promised you would never leave me

And you’ve never given me reason to doubt

You whisper sweet everythings in my ear

Like everlasting love and grace beyond compare

People call their loves the wind beneath their wings

But you’re the solid rock to which I cling

They say to follow your heart

And let your passion lead you

I can’t resist following your Truth

They measure love from the moon and back

You measure love with the palms of your hands

You crossed your heart and hoped to die

Just so I could be given life

They show their love with candy and flowers

They write notes about a moment in time

You pour on me your grace and mercy

And your letter has eternity defined

You forgave me, you changed me

You took my hand to be your wife

You fight for me, You died for me

Jesus, you’re the love of my life.

Real Food

Your words were found, and I ate them, 

and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart;

 for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts.

Jeremiah 15:16

How many times have you heard someone say, "I read the Bible, but I'm just not getting anything out of it" or even "It's kind of boring"? How many times have you said it yourself? I admit these are words I have spoken, or at least thought at times. Today, I came across the above verse, looking through some verse cards I have printed out. It stopped me. Immediately, I thought about one of the books I'm reading The Quest for More by Paul Tripp. It's about living for the Big Kingdom in our everyday life. 

Isn't this where it begins? To take every moment of your every day and turn it from living in our little kingdoms where we reign, and make it mean something for the Kingdom of God, doesn't it start with the Word of God being the joy of our hearts? 

Wait, let's back up a minute. I guess we would have to say it really starts with the statement made at the end of this verse "For I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts." We've been called out of our little kingdoms. We've been dethroned. Those who have been called to be followers of Christ, have been called by another name. We have been called by the name of the Lord God, because it is His Spirit which lives within us.

If that is true, then my little kingdom no longer exists. The little kingdom I call my life, my world, my time here on this earth is no longer mine. 

I can try to retain my control, my rule, but to no avail, for I have been dethroned.

This is not a bad thing, in fact, it is just the opposite. You see, I am a terrible ruler. Every decision I make is for my own gain, even those that seem to be for the benefit of others is done only to make me feel good, or to better my reputation. Not only are they made in selfishness, but made with limited knowledge about how to bring about that personal good. When I rule, I feed on my own words, intelligence, strength, feelings. And my heart mourns. It mourns because my kingdom will never be the way I want it. 

But it is not my kingdom any more. A greater King has taken over. He has even taken up residency in my castle. While, I had invited Him in, at times I wasn't sure what was really happening. He began replacing my furniture with His, first one room, then the next. I was glad He was there, yet, I didn't want to give up my reign. So, I refused to let Him into certain rooms, for fear He would take them over as well. Of course, these actions confuse the people in my little kingdom. At times, they aren't sure who is ruling. For there are many times, I am content to allow Him to make decisions and and listen to His word with anticipation. His words are filled with such love, such joy, such peace. But then, there are times when I don't want to listen. I want my kingdom back. I want to make my own decisions and listen to my own words. These times are filled with anger and bitterness and I don't like them. 

I battle with myself, because I know He is a far greater ruler than I. His words are filled to the brim with nourishment for the deepest parts of my soul. His words bring joy and peace because He speaks truth. His kingdom thrives because He keeps every promise and makes decisions knowing not just the past, but the present and future as well. I know all of this, yet, at times I ignore it and go back to thinking that my ideas, my plans, my goals have some value. 

If He is the Lord God of hosts, who has called me, how can I not be nourished by His word? How do they not bring joy and rejoicing to my heart? 

If ever I am reading the very Word of God and my heart is not captured, I must ask the question- who is ruling this kingdom? How can my every day mean anything for the Big Kingdom if His Word does not stir me? How can I possibly know how to live, if I do not listen to His Words? 

Hopefully, His Word does bring joy to your heart, and you are receiving that joy more and more each day as you sit at His feet. While I try very hard, I am not always consistent about reading my Bible. But the more I do it, the more I want to do it and the more I choose to do it. May we continue to sit at His feet and stop trying to get back on the throne. 

A "Word" of Understanding

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

Philippians 2:12-13

Lately, I have gotten back in the habit of keeping a dictionary near when reading my Bible. I love to look up certain words and understand the context they are being used in to help me understand more clearly what exactly it is saying. After reading these two verses today, I looked up the word "work". 

There were so many definitions given, but I wrote down the ones that seemed to fit best in the context and then realized something - it seemed like each time the word "work" was used it could be replaced with a different definition given. This was exciting! I mean, honestly, if you read the passage above it may seem confusing how many times the word "work" is used (eg. "work out your own salvation", "for it is God who works in you"). You may read that and think "Well, which is it?" It's both. Let me show you what I did that made it all make so much more sense, at least to me.

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, prepare for use exerting oneself physically and mentally your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who brings to pass in you, both to will and to function according to plan or design for his good pleasure."

It all started to make so much more sense! You see, we are responsible for our obedience. This is the "work out your own salvation" part. We are to prepare ourselves for use by exerting ourselves physically and mentally (obeying). That is how we "work". 

God is the one who brings it to pass. It is God's work in us that allows us to obey. He is the author of salvation and brings to pass salvation in us.

His "work" in us is so that we have the will to obey and will function according to the His design and plan for us. A plan for His good pleasure - because He delights in us and in our obedience. 

I don't know about you, but while I had a semi-understanding of the above passage before, this just made it so much clearer and I had to share! I am so excited to have a better understanding between the connection of what God expects from us and His part that He fulfills in us. So amazing!

Happy New Year!!

I waited to write this post until today, because I like to begin new things by looking back. Why? because I think when we stop to look back we go forward remembering what we have learned.

For me, this past year felt like one long trust fall into the arms of God.

If you go back through my old posts, you would know that my word for last year was FOCUS. I wanted to learn how to really focus on God. I'm still not sure if that was right or if trust or peace would have been a more accurate description of what God did in me throughout this last year.

From the very beginning, I knew our finances were going to be a big part of God working in me. Last January is when my husband and I began to make some significant changes regarding our finances. Mainly, being more of a team with him making the final decisions. I knew this would be hard for me, because I'm somewhat of a control freak, but I also knew I had to learn to let him lead. It started in chaos. Not that we were fighting and arguing, but that we thought we had everything all figured out and it wasn't. Of course, I should have known this would be a learning process. However, God used this to start preparing me to trust Him for what was to come later. He took care of us at that time and He has continued to do so.

Our church was beginning the process to prepare for the start of community groups. Joshua expressed he wanted us to have one in our home, and he wanted to lead it. This is so against his nature, I knew this must be God's leading, so I agreed and we began to prepare for it. God had already began working on me, teaching me to let my husband lead. This was just going to be another step in the process, but I welcomed it.

 Not too long after this, Joshua decided I needed to quit my job. We had been talking about it for awhile. Both knowing God was leading to this, but both being hesitant about actually doing it. Finally, Joshua told me I had to do it, and I knew he was right. So I quit. You cannot believe how much more well rested I have been since I did! Yeah, we're loosing out on that money, but honestly, I don't even notice because God has provided in so many ways.

One trust fall after another.

But none would impact my life as much as Nehemiah.

Just about a month and a half after quitting my job, we found out we had lost the baby I was carrying. I will not go into all the details about it now, I've written many blogs about that time that you are welcome to go back and read. What I will say, is that all those trust falls I had just done, were not without purpose. Because I KNEW that God had me in His arms and I had never known greater peace and joy than I did when I held Nehemiah in my hands and looked into his face.

I will not say the rest of my year went great, but, God held me. The peace never left. He has continued to work in my heart and life in different ways and each step, He has given me what I needed to take it.

So as a new year begins and I think about what God may have in store, I remember the peace He gives. The joy He gives no matter what is to come.

I still like to make some resolutions each year, but I'm a little more broad, as I realize whatever method I start out the year using to accomplish one of these goals may need to be a adjusted or scrapped and a new method used.

Once again, I chose verses for each member of our family to pray for them. I didn't realize until today, that the verse I chose for myself, was one that was frequently used in my blogs throughout the last year. How fitting that I keep in mind God's faithfulness throughout this new year with Phil. 4:6-7.

Here are the things I want to challenge myself to do this year:

1. Pray for others more. Really pray for others frequently and consistently. I want others to know the peace and joy that I have and to experience God's rich blessings of life, hope, and the Holy Spirit.

2. Follow through. I'm one of those people who starts projects, but then doesn't finish them. I want to challenge myself to be better at finishing the projects I start. This may include being better at deciding what projects to begin.

3. Be healthier. I want to eat healthier and exercise more. (I'm eating Reese cups as I write this.) Over the last few months I have been doing much better at eating healthier and enjoying it! I have learned for me to be successful in that area, it can't be about following a specific diet plan, but learning about making healthier choices and then making changes little by little as I am ready to do them. As far as exercising more - I'm still trying to figure out how I can do that better.

4. Be ready for whatever God wants to teach me. Often I'm too hard-headed and stubborn to accept that God is trying to get me to learn something. With all that He has taught me, I want to learn more.

This year my word will be PRAYER. I do believe last year I learned to FOCUS on God. This year, while I continue to focus on Him, I want to deepen my communication with Him. I already pray a lot, but I know I always have a lot to learn.

Have a Happy and Prayerful New Year!

A Name Like No Other

Christmas is in just two days!!! I love Christmas. For me, Christmas is not just a day. I'm sure we've heard so much about the joy of Christmas and maybe by now you're getting tired of it.

This morning, I sat in my dark living room, drinking my coffee, looking at the Christmas tree all lit up with my three year old son curled up in my lap. As I sat there cuddling with my son, my mind began to wander through all the wonderful blessings I have been given.

The ones that struck me the most were the blessings of my children. Blessings, not because they are perfect little angels, but because they bring an opportunity for me to learn grace, mercy, self-control, and a myriad of other things I fail at daily. The blessing of a wonderful husband. Our marriage has not always been easy, but a blessing that has taught me forgiveness, commitment, and what love really means. The blessing of having children and family that have gone before. A blessing that has helped me realize that God really is in control and I can fully trust in Him. The blessing of struggle. A blessing that has taught me that God keeps His promises.

In case you haven't noticed, many of the blessings I see in my life have come through the trials and storms I have endured. But the greatest blessing of all is the one that we celebrate this time of year. The gift of Jesus.

No other gift can compare to a Savior who pursued me. Nothing can compare to a God that loved me so much, He chose to open my eyes to my need for Him. He chose to open my heart to receive Him. He chose to send His Son to take my place, so I can know Him.

Nothing can compare to that.

I LOVE Christmas. Sure I like gifts, but what I love most of all is that I was given the greatest gift, a gift I can celebrate all year.

This past year has been a year of struggles and rough patches, but my soul has never known joy this great. I am so thankful God keeps His promise to continue to work in me until the day of completion.

This joy, the joy that fills my heart and soul, the joy of Christmas is Jesus.

What a powerful name! Try saying it out loud where ever you are right now. Sing it. Shout it. Can you feel the power that name carries?! If you cannot, I pray the Holy Spirit continues to work in your heart.

I love to sing songs of worship and praise and honestly cannot help but dance. But if you want to see me hands raised in the air, smile from ear to ear, voice as loud as can be, sing the name of Jesus. Speak the name of Jesus.

There is no other name that captures my heart to that extent. There is no other name that uplifts me from the depths of despair. There is no other name that brings with it the power of real JOY!

As you celebrate Christmas, remember that Jesus was not just a baby born in a manger. He is a Savior born to rescue us from the captivity of sin. He is God in human flesh, that we can trust to know our pain and our struggle. He is CHRIST who defeated the grave so that we may know life!

Jesus

Don't just know His name. Know Him.

Repeat Lessons

This past week I have been reminded that not everything will go according to the way I have planned. Yes, this is something we are reminded frequently each day with all the little things, but we still seem to be unprepared when it happens in the "big" things, or at least what we consider as the "big" things at that time. At least for me anyway. 

So, things were not going my way. I'll be honest, I was upset. Almost to the point of tears. While I was able to contain those emotions for quite some time, the tears eventually came. But not from the upset of life not going according to my plan.

The tears came, because I realized that I was making MY plan more important than HIS plan. How dare I be so selfish? The tears flowed as my heart grieved my pride. In a flood of tears I was reminded that not only is His plan bigger and better than mine, it always has His and my good in mind. My plans are always so limited to what I can see, what I know, what I can envision, what I can imagine. How do I ever get to a place where I think I can possibly come up with some plan that rivals God's? 

As I was hit with this, it got me thinking. What would my life be like, if everything had gone according to my plan? Since I do not know all things, I am only able to go back through what has happened in my life and how certain things would be different if I had had my way. 

One thing I am for sure, I would not have nearly as many blessings in my life as I have now. I will not expand on the reasons why these would be true, but here is a list of things that would be different if I had my way throughout my life:

1. I would be a professional dancer. This sounds like a good thing, but I would be a dancer not using their talents for God's glory.

2. I would not be married to Josh. If this had happened, I would also not have any of my beautiful children whom I love so much.

3. Even if I had married Josh, I would be divorced already. 

4. Some of my children would have never been born. Those I have lost, would have been born.

5. Josh would have a nice, cushy job - and I would never have learned to trust God's provision.

6. I would have an amazing body - and would never have learned the meaning of true beauty.

7. I would have lost my virginity to a married man as a teenager. 

These are just a few of the "big" things I thought about. In comparison to the situation I was dealing with last week, that situation just shrunk more and more by the moment. It's so easy to get caught up in what is going on right here, right now, that we forget the One who is over all things, knows the bigger picture and knows how this moment, right here, right now, plays a part in that bigger plan. We think we know how it plays a part in the "bigger" plan of our lives, but our lives are just a breath of eternity. Does not God's plan for our lives, for life in general, far exceed our own? Yes. Every. Single. Time. This doesn't mean we shouldn't make plans, that we shouldn't prepare or make decisions. What it means is that we shouldn't get so caught up in our own plans, that we don't allow for His plans. You would think with all I've been through in this life, I would have learned this lesson by now. Apparently, I'm a hard learner. Anyway, I'm just glad that God keeps on teaching me, even if it means many repeat lessons. 

A Life of Everlasting Impact

As I thought about this day coming up, I wasn't sure how I would feel or what I would be thinking. 

Today is the day Nehemiah Laminin was due to be born. 

I know that doesn't mean he would have been born on this day exactly, but it would have been around this time. 

I thought maybe I would be sad, and I am a little. The tears come as I think about holding him. It will be a long time before I get to hold him again. But I WILL get to hold him again and there is hope in that. 

But mostly I think of all the joy his short life brought. Because of him, my joy in Christ has been renewed. My hope in Christ's coming has been restored. The peace that surpasses all understanding guards my heart and mind (Phil. 4:7). My marriage has renewed life. I am a little better at loving my children. And I hope that there are others whose life he has touched. 

What has hit me the most is the insurmountable peace I now have. I don't quite know how to explain it except to just tell you the difference. There are two major areas of my life that I have noticed the peace more. 

The first one is in the area of finances. My husband has worked a seasonal job for many years. This means he has often been unemployed for about three months in the winter. We live paycheck to paycheck when he is working, so you can imagine the amount of strain this puts on our family. Usually, I have worked a job that I could pick up hours during that time he was not working. I lived life completely stressed out. All I could think about was how we were going to pay our bills. How was I going to make this work? This year, I don't have a job. My parents do not live with us any more (they did for a time and this really helped with the bills). Joshua could be unemployed in a few weeks to a month and I'm not worried about it. Sure there are times when the worry starts to creep in, but then it is almost immediately diminished. There is just such peace in my heart about it that I can't even explain it. I know it is not from me, because as I said I was stressed even when the situation didn't look as bad as it could be this time. Yet, I have peace.

Another area this has hit me hard is in looking at the future. I don't know if you've ever read the book of Revelations, but there will be a time when things get really bad. Our society is already getting worse, and I think about the world my children will have to live in. This can make me scared, and at times it has. And when I get scared, I worry about them and what kind of life they will have and will I get to be here for them, etc... Over the past few months I have thought about this even more. But now when I think about it, I get a little scared, but then there is this unexplainable peace and it's like God is speaking to my heart saying, "You were born for such a time as this." This frightens me a little, but even more it spurs me to train up my children as warriors for the gospel of Christ. It motivates me to be ready with knowing the Word should I one day not be allowed to have a copy of the Bible (this has happened in countries already, so let's not take this freedom for granted). It reminds me that one day my Savior is coming back to claim His own, and I need to be ready. It pushes me to be more intentional in my relationships and loving others. 

Nehemiah may have only had life for such a short time. His eyes may never have opened to see this world. But I know that he was one of the greatest blessings on my life that God could ever give. God used him to change me. Every day when I look at his picture and remember that day I looked into his face, I remember the vision God gave me on that hospital bed. I think of the peace I had then, and the peace I have now and know that God truly does use the weak, the humble, the smallest of hearts to bring about His glory.

Giving It Up

As I sat in church Sunday listening to the sermon about giving over all of ourselves to God, I nodded in agreement and even thought to myself, "I really want to do that, Lord, show me what areas in my life I have not given over to you." Throughout the sermon there were some points that hit home and I thought, "Yeah, that's something I could work on more." But it wasn't until after the preaching, after the altar call song, the final song of the service, God made it loud and clear what He wanted me to get.

The final song of the sermon was "Ten Thousand Reasons" otherwise known as "Bless the Lord, O My Soul". Some of you may know that this was one of the songs I was singing in my dream I had during my miscarriage, the only one I can remember (you can read about that here http://beautyoftheheart.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-song-of-joy.html). Why did it hit me so hard?

As I stood singing with a soul full of joy, remembering that night in the hospital, I suddenly began to weep uncontrollably. In that moment, I realized that it had been so easy for me to give Him my child, my own flesh and blood, my baby, even though I didn't even get a chance to get to know him...

...yet, I still have trouble giving over to him the little things each day, like my schedule, my attitude, my feelings, my trust.

Then it reminded me of what our small group talked about on Friday night and what I've been reading about David's struggles through the Psalms. We so often, as Christians, talk about how the trials we endure are our true test of faith - do we depend on Him? do we lean on our own strength? And yes, those are tests of faith somewhat.

But is it not an even more reliable test of faith to ask, Who do we depend on for the little things? Moment by moment? When my life is "interrupted" how do I respond? Am I easily offended by what others say and do to me? Do I trust God to provide for ALL my needs? Do I look to Him when deciding what to eat, drink, wear, watch on tv, say to another person, how to do my hair, make up, spend my free time?

I realized that for me, the big things can sometimes be so much easier to give over to God, because I know what He wants from me. I know what His Word says about those things. But when the area seems gray, and maybe He has given us freedom to choose, I don't always seek Him first anyway.

That's not really living in the Spirit. If I have the Holy Spirit within me, I don't want to just have Him sitting on a back shelf, waiting for me to feel like I need Him, because I've exhausted all other options. Because, this one is just too hard for me to handle. I want to truly live in the Spirit. So that when I have a choice, I still don't take it without seeking Him first. Two options might both be good, but maybe He has something specific in mind and I will never know that unless I stop and ask Him first, and then listen for His response.

Can you imagine slowing down your day to stop and seek God before each and every thing you do, say, think? Seems impossible in the time of busyness. It also seems not only necessary, but worth it. How much better would my day go, if I actually gave it ALL over to God? I hope to find out.