I know it's been a long time since I've written, but summer is upon us and that means I'm spending less time on the computer and more time outside.
Although it has been almost two months now, I wanted to share my experience in the hospital as I delivered Nehemiah.
Yes, I still think about it. Every. Single. Day. And I hope that never changes.
I love to think about it, because even though my heart was grieved, God gave me such amazing peace and joy. Peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
I remember going to the hospital grieved that I had lost my child, yet I still had that excitement that I always do as I look forward to seeing and holding my little baby.
My husband and a great friend were with me that night. We talked and laughed and prayed. It was getting late and I was getting tired and I kept falling asleep. I fell asleep for quite awhile and when I woke up everyone told me I had the biggest smile on my face as I slept and they were wondering why.
I had fallen asleep singing praise songs to God. The one I most distinctly remember singing is Bless The Lord Oh My Soul. I had a dream that I was walking over water, carrying my baby as I was singing. Then a bright light shown, rising up from the horizon and Jesus appeared. The light was so bright I could not see His face. He reached out and took the baby from my arms and held him close in His arms. All the while, I kept singing. He was cuddling the baby so sweetly and gently, as if it were His own. And I was filled with comfort. Then Satan came and he tried to block my view, so that I couldn't see anymore. I kept singing as I tried to see around him, but eventually I couldn't see anymore. And I said to Satan, "It's ok. I don't need to see. I already know it's true." And I continued to sing. Satan tried to stop me from singing, but I just sung louder and stronger and eventually he gave up.
When I woke up and they told me I had a smile on my face, all I could do was thank God for giving me that dream. Because I not only had a smile on my face, I had a smile on my heart.
The smile on my face stayed and my heart was so lifted, that when the time came for me to deliver little Nehemiah all I could was smile and say "He's beautiful!" And he was.
I look at his picture every day and smile at how beautiful he is and know that he is being cared for by the best Father anyone can have.