Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Crowded by Loneliness

She stood in the room filled with people, looking all around her. Usually the life of the party, but this time was different. This time, she stood there looking around and all she could think was, "I know everyone in here. But do I really KNOW anyone in here? Do they really KNOW me?" She looked at the group of those whom she called "friends"and realized not a single one of them has called her in the last month and one of them made a comment on Facebook about getting together, but she had brushed them off, not really sure if they had really meant it. Throughout the rest of the evening, she did talk to others, but realized the conversation never went past the usual small talk. Which made her wonder when was the last time she had a conversation that wasn't just surface level information. No one asked why she wasn't being her usual self, or why she seemed more reserved. "Did anyone even care?" she wondered.

How many of us have felt this way? We know so many people, but how many do we really KNOW? How many people really KNOW us?

Sometimes, it seems like no one really wants relationships with that kind of intimacy. Many people, who know me, think being open about my feelings and thoughts comes easily for me. But it doesn't. I force myself to share my deepest feelings and thoughts. Why don't I just keep them to myself? Because I crave intimacy with others, and I know that the only hope I have of getting that is to allow others to really KNOW me. But many times, it seems people hear those thoughts or feelings and run the other direction, instead of getting closer.

Maybe it's too much for people to see that girl who seems so happy all the time, struggling with insecurity. Or that girl who seems to have it all together, feeling like her world is falling apart all around her. Maybe it's too hard to realize that this girl who claims to love God with all she has (and I do), struggles sometimes to trust Him.

I think about the relationships I have here on earth and I just feel so lonely. So much so, I often ask God to send Jesus back or just take me home soon. I know that sounds depressing, but while I can have an intimate relationship with Him now, I know that in heaven that relationship will be perfect. For now, it's only perfect on His end.

I admit that some of my struggle with relationships is on my part, but I also know that it's not all me either. We are imperfect people, but are we really making an effort to let people know how important they are to us? Are we making sure they know we care about them, and love them no matter what? Are we making an effort to get past the small talk and let them in to our heart?