Thursday, September 29, 2011

To Save a Life...

Recently, I shared a little bit about this with the women in my Bible study group, but I"m going to expand on it some here, for good reason.

A while back my husband and I were having some major issues in our marriage. During this time, I was hurt, angry, bitter. It had gotten so bad that I wanted a divorce and was trying to figure out how I could leave. Then, I found out I was pregnant. I did not want this baby. After all, how was I going to take care of these children on my own? What was I going to do if the child looked like him and was a living reminder each day of how much he hurt me? What was I going to do?

I could not have an abortion, but what I considered was just as ugly. Self-induced miscarriage. I spent a lot of time trying to think of ways I could make myself miscarry this child. I even looked up some things on the internet. It wasn't just because I didn't want to have another baby, but I also wanted to hurt Josh as much as I felt like he had hurt me. 

God got to me. He refused to let it happen. He opened my eyes and made me realize how ridiculous I was being. It took a miracle, but He delivered. Why? Because He is the God of miracles. 

In my brokenness, I cried out to Him. Literally, cried, weeped, was on my knees before Him in prayer, because I was tired of trying to do this on my own. I couldn't handle my life anymore. For three days, this is what I did. By the end of those three days, I was ready to listen to what God had to say, and what He said was that divorce and losing this baby was not in His plan for my life. And then the miracle happened. The major issue that was ripping my family apart was eliminated. There was still a lot of work to be done on repairing our relationship, but I knew that I was not going to go through with a divorce and yes, I was going to have the baby. I do not have a particular Scripture that God used to speak to me at that time, because quite frankly, I was not in the Word. However, because of what I had learned through the years, in my time of prayer God brought back to my mind some of the truths in His Word.

Jade is turning four today. She is a true delight! Such a blessing from God. Jade is definitely strong-willed. She is always surprising us with how well she understands things and is most always giggly and goofy giving us all a good laugh! I can't imagine my life without her.

Funny thing is that Jade is the most like me out of all of my children. It's a reminder that during a time when I wanted to self-destruct God has something different in mind - life. 

O Lord, I thank you that you are love and that you saw fit to extend your grace and mercy to someone as undeserving as me, and that you did what you had to do to preserve Jade - may she be forever Yours!


MJUnderwood said...

Thanks for sharing, my friend.

Robin said...

Barbie, I LOVE that you were so vulnerable in sharing this... it is a GOD thing and he will bless you and has already used you in my life! I know He will in others' lives, too! THANK YOU!

Jennifer said...

Barbie, You are amazing and God is going to use your experience to reach out to a lot of women. We are all miracle of God's grace.

Kelly said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with me...My life in the recent months has tumbled out of my control (more so than usual). Sometimes feel like all I have left is faith and then I am reminded that FAITH is all I truly need. God Bless you and your beautiful Jade!