Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Have I abandoned ship?

Recently in the news there has been reports of the captain of a cruise ship who abandoned his ship as it was sinking; leaving all of the passengers to fend for themselves. New reports have said there is even an audio recording of the captain refusing to get out of his lifeboat to go help passengers.

For the last month, God has really been hitting me about my words. Giving me a desire to be more encouraging in how I speak to my husband and children and just really being mindful of my speech. After much prayer, I began studying the book of Jeremiah in relation to this - I know it seems like an odd choice, but man has God spoken volumes so far, and I'm not even all the way through the book!

Do I have a heart like Jeremiah that says, "Lord I am unqualified" but is still willing to be used?
Or is my heart more like the people of Judah who have turned to their own ways, because the ways of the world seem easier than what God requires of us?
Am I grieved over sin, mine and others, out of a humble heart?
Or has pride calloused me to the depth of what it means to have committed treason against the High King?

Unfortunately, what I have learned is that I have had a lot of pride in my heart. My speech needs a lot of work, because it reflects my heart and, well, that's not very pretty right now. Of course it wasn't so blatantly obvious until just last night...

Last night we had a meeting for our upcoming women's retreat that our church does. In this meeting we decided who would serve in which areas. I was chosen to run sound. Really? Sound? That was my reaction.

Ok, I know this is going to not make sense to some of you, but doing background is not my comfort zone. Yes, I am more comfortable being out in front. How can that be? Well, I have spent pretty much my entire life as an attention seeker, so being in the center of attention is right up my ally.

The more I talked about how awkward I thought it was that I had been chosen for such a background position, the more I realized the extent of my pride. God was showing me my selfish "me me me" attitude. That I like to be out front, because I like getting recognition for the things I do and quite frankly, running sound may never receive any praise.

Talk about hard to hear!

Anyway, so what does this have to do with the ship captain I mentioned earlier. This morning I heard that story mentioned and I realized that like that captain, I was more concerned with my own comfort than that of others. There are going to be many things in life that God asks us to do that may be difficult for us for one reason or another. We can decide whether or not we are going to, through Him, do what's difficult and allow Him to grow us through it, or if we are going to abandon ship.

If I'm going to be honest, I would have to say that I have abandoned ship. I have not been willing to put aside my own wants and desires in order to show grace to my family. And for a little while, I was not sure I was willing to put aside my pride and comfort to join my church family in rescuing the lives of those who are spiritually dead. I admit, the job of sound still does not sound very enticing to me. However, knowing that God is doing a work on my heart does.


Babetta said...

This is beautifully written. Isn't it amazing the way God shows us how we really are? It's never easy to face our shortcomings, but it's always worth it. I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job, and you may even like it! Thanks for sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

WOW, I never read things that are "blogs" or require and extra click...I am so glad I did. I have tears of well, guilt and wow...Thank you for the thought and heart check!

Glen said...

Running sound is a good thing. It may not be out front, but just make a mistake and guess who everyone is looking at? You are an integral part of what is going on...and remember, without you, people may not clearly hear all that God has for them. I know you know this...just remember it.