There's been a lot going on in my heart and mind lately. I've been tired and very frustrated. Not because of the size of my family, or that I'm pregnant, or busy, or whatever.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm missing out on the real purpose God has for my life.
I'm frustrated because I'm not quite sure yet what that means exactly.
I look around at all the stuff we have, and while yes, I recognize the blessing, I often feel overwhelmed. I don't NEED more stuff. Heck, I don't even want more stuff. Yet, it feels like that's what we live for, to get to this point where we can achieve more, do more, get more. I'm tired of it.
In my Scripture reading, sermons I've been listening to, books I've been reading and teaching I've sat under recently, it seems like God is just pounding in the same message over and over - "I've got something for you worth far more. Something that is going to require that you be willing to part with the stuff, separate with the familiar, and walk in faith down a new path. Something that will require that you trust me with the safety of your children, with provision for your family, with the very needs of your soul."
This may sound scary to some, but I'm excited for what is to come, so much so that I'm frustrated it's not clear to me yet.
For a long time, I've made excuses for why I didn't do certain things. While missions has always been heavy on my heart, I've made the excuse that it's just not the season of my life for that, because it would be difficult for me to go on a missions trip having to find care for my children while I'm gone and what not. Or while reaching out and getting to know my neighbors better has been on my heart, there's always something that "gets in the way" of me inviting them over. I'm sick of making excuses. I know I'm missing out on what God has for me. I know I'm not giving Him all He wants from me.
I don't want to be held back by fear, busyness, wrong goals, self-centeredness, fatigue or excuses.
I want to live a real Spirit-filled life. A life that allows God to transform how I look at others - everyone, my kids, neighbors, husband, people I don't know, family, etc. A life that changes the way I treat others, because I see them through God's eyes and not my own. A life that is lived solely for the purpose of serving others and modeling Christ to those around me. A life that is focused on God and His kingdom and the real purpose of life here on earth. A life that is missional - seeking the lost, not avoiding them - for the purpose of sharing Christ.
Even now I struggle putting into words exactly what God has laid so heavy on my heart. Maybe because I'm not sure yet what exactly this is going to look like. I just know it means HUGE changes. Some of you who know me, may not see it as huge changes, but the weight of it, the heaviness of it, tells me it's big. And I want to be ready. I want to be willing. I don't want to get in the way any more. Christ lives in me, which means this life is no longer mine. It is for His purpose only. My prayer is that He will make that true of my life. That it will be only for His glory that I live, speak, act.