I've been trying to find the words to write this for weeks... I've started and stopped and started over quite a few times. There were times I would think I had it all figured out in my head, but when I got to my computer to write, none of it sounded right anymore. Today, I'm going to give it my best shot.
I've really been wrestling over something. I've been angry, bitter, hurt, outraged, sad, stressed and disappointed.
Why? Well, I could tell you the situation and you may say that my feelings are valid and you would be feeling this way too. It's only normal. And I have tried to justify my feelings and the choices that I want to make based on those feelings. Choices that I know are wrong.
Yup, that's right I said it. I KNOW that I am wrong. The truth is, the situation is not THE problem. Yes, it is a problem, but not THE problem. My feelings are a reaction to the situation, but they are also revealing a much deeper issue.
I'm angry, bitter, hurt, outraged, sad, stressed and disappointed because deep down I'm not trusting God.
I say I believe in God, His promises, and His Word; but I certainly am not acting like it right now. It all comes down to what I really believe. Do I really believe God is good, no matter what happens? Do I really believe God is sovereign over everything, including my life? Do I really believe that His plan is better than mine? Do I really believe that He is for me, not against me? Do I really believe He is the God of grace and mercy? The God of forgiveness? The God of righteousness? or Do I believe that I deserve something better than what I have been given? That the plan I have for my life is much better than God's plan? That I deserve to be treated a certain way?
I know, I know, I KNOW! I know what is true and quite honestly it's why I haven't acted on the choices I feel like making. But knowing doesn't make it easy.
Focusing on my feelings, and the situation has certainly given Satan a stronghold. But God's hold on me is stronger.
How do I know? Because I see my sin for what it is and I'm broken over it. I so desperately want to do what is right in God's eyes, which is not going to be easy. I'm still struggling with my feelings and the current situation. This is only one of many struggles I will go through in life, it's certainly not the first. Each time I will have to make a choice, and I will always choose to live what I believe. Of course, sometimes I have to ask myself, what do I believe? My prayer is that when I am reminded of the truth, that I will act accordingly.
And that is my prayer now, that not only will I do what I know is right, but that I will want to. I need God to give me the "want to" because that is not what my flesh desires. These past few weeks I've had more of an "I know what I want and I want it now" attitude.
Yeah, my heart is pretty ugly right now. Just keepin' it real. This is what I am on my own. Oh, how I desperately need My Savior!
Here is a link to a song that gives a great description of where I am right now