As I sat in church Sunday listening to the sermon about giving over all of ourselves to God, I nodded in agreement and even thought to myself, "I really want to do that, Lord, show me what areas in my life I have not given over to you." Throughout the sermon there were some points that hit home and I thought, "Yeah, that's something I could work on more." But it wasn't until after the preaching, after the altar call song, the final song of the service, God made it loud and clear what He wanted me to get.
The final song of the sermon was "Ten Thousand Reasons" otherwise known as "Bless the Lord, O My Soul". Some of you may know that this was one of the songs I was singing in my dream I had during my miscarriage, the only one I can remember (you can read about that here http://beautyoftheheart.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-song-of-joy.html). Why did it hit me so hard?
As I stood singing with a soul full of joy, remembering that night in the hospital, I suddenly began to weep uncontrollably. In that moment, I realized that it had been so easy for me to give Him my child, my own flesh and blood, my baby, even though I didn't even get a chance to get to know him...
...yet, I still have trouble giving over to him the little things each day, like my schedule, my attitude, my feelings, my trust.
Then it reminded me of what our small group talked about on Friday night and what I've been reading about David's struggles through the Psalms. We so often, as Christians, talk about how the trials we endure are our true test of faith - do we depend on Him? do we lean on our own strength? And yes, those are tests of faith somewhat.
But is it not an even more reliable test of faith to ask, Who do we depend on for the little things? Moment by moment? When my life is "interrupted" how do I respond? Am I easily offended by what others say and do to me? Do I trust God to provide for ALL my needs? Do I look to Him when deciding what to eat, drink, wear, watch on tv, say to another person, how to do my hair, make up, spend my free time?
I realized that for me, the big things can sometimes be so much easier to give over to God, because I know what He wants from me. I know what His Word says about those things. But when the area seems gray, and maybe He has given us freedom to choose, I don't always seek Him first anyway.
That's not really living in the Spirit. If I have the Holy Spirit within me, I don't want to just have Him sitting on a back shelf, waiting for me to feel like I need Him, because I've exhausted all other options. Because, this one is just too hard for me to handle. I want to truly live in the Spirit. So that when I have a choice, I still don't take it without seeking Him first. Two options might both be good, but maybe He has something specific in mind and I will never know that unless I stop and ask Him first, and then listen for His response.
Can you imagine slowing down your day to stop and seek God before each and every thing you do, say, think? Seems impossible in the time of busyness. It also seems not only necessary, but worth it. How much better would my day go, if I actually gave it ALL over to God? I hope to find out.