A Name Like No Other

Christmas is in just two days!!! I love Christmas. For me, Christmas is not just a day. I'm sure we've heard so much about the joy of Christmas and maybe by now you're getting tired of it.

This morning, I sat in my dark living room, drinking my coffee, looking at the Christmas tree all lit up with my three year old son curled up in my lap. As I sat there cuddling with my son, my mind began to wander through all the wonderful blessings I have been given.

The ones that struck me the most were the blessings of my children. Blessings, not because they are perfect little angels, but because they bring an opportunity for me to learn grace, mercy, self-control, and a myriad of other things I fail at daily. The blessing of a wonderful husband. Our marriage has not always been easy, but a blessing that has taught me forgiveness, commitment, and what love really means. The blessing of having children and family that have gone before. A blessing that has helped me realize that God really is in control and I can fully trust in Him. The blessing of struggle. A blessing that has taught me that God keeps His promises.

In case you haven't noticed, many of the blessings I see in my life have come through the trials and storms I have endured. But the greatest blessing of all is the one that we celebrate this time of year. The gift of Jesus.

No other gift can compare to a Savior who pursued me. Nothing can compare to a God that loved me so much, He chose to open my eyes to my need for Him. He chose to open my heart to receive Him. He chose to send His Son to take my place, so I can know Him.

Nothing can compare to that.

I LOVE Christmas. Sure I like gifts, but what I love most of all is that I was given the greatest gift, a gift I can celebrate all year.

This past year has been a year of struggles and rough patches, but my soul has never known joy this great. I am so thankful God keeps His promise to continue to work in me until the day of completion.

This joy, the joy that fills my heart and soul, the joy of Christmas is Jesus.

What a powerful name! Try saying it out loud where ever you are right now. Sing it. Shout it. Can you feel the power that name carries?! If you cannot, I pray the Holy Spirit continues to work in your heart.

I love to sing songs of worship and praise and honestly cannot help but dance. But if you want to see me hands raised in the air, smile from ear to ear, voice as loud as can be, sing the name of Jesus. Speak the name of Jesus.

There is no other name that captures my heart to that extent. There is no other name that uplifts me from the depths of despair. There is no other name that brings with it the power of real JOY!

As you celebrate Christmas, remember that Jesus was not just a baby born in a manger. He is a Savior born to rescue us from the captivity of sin. He is God in human flesh, that we can trust to know our pain and our struggle. He is CHRIST who defeated the grave so that we may know life!

Jesus

Don't just know His name. Know Him.

Repeat Lessons

This past week I have been reminded that not everything will go according to the way I have planned. Yes, this is something we are reminded frequently each day with all the little things, but we still seem to be unprepared when it happens in the "big" things, or at least what we consider as the "big" things at that time. At least for me anyway. 

So, things were not going my way. I'll be honest, I was upset. Almost to the point of tears. While I was able to contain those emotions for quite some time, the tears eventually came. But not from the upset of life not going according to my plan.

The tears came, because I realized that I was making MY plan more important than HIS plan. How dare I be so selfish? The tears flowed as my heart grieved my pride. In a flood of tears I was reminded that not only is His plan bigger and better than mine, it always has His and my good in mind. My plans are always so limited to what I can see, what I know, what I can envision, what I can imagine. How do I ever get to a place where I think I can possibly come up with some plan that rivals God's? 

As I was hit with this, it got me thinking. What would my life be like, if everything had gone according to my plan? Since I do not know all things, I am only able to go back through what has happened in my life and how certain things would be different if I had had my way. 

One thing I am for sure, I would not have nearly as many blessings in my life as I have now. I will not expand on the reasons why these would be true, but here is a list of things that would be different if I had my way throughout my life:

1. I would be a professional dancer. This sounds like a good thing, but I would be a dancer not using their talents for God's glory.

2. I would not be married to Josh. If this had happened, I would also not have any of my beautiful children whom I love so much.

3. Even if I had married Josh, I would be divorced already. 

4. Some of my children would have never been born. Those I have lost, would have been born.

5. Josh would have a nice, cushy job - and I would never have learned to trust God's provision.

6. I would have an amazing body - and would never have learned the meaning of true beauty.

7. I would have lost my virginity to a married man as a teenager. 

These are just a few of the "big" things I thought about. In comparison to the situation I was dealing with last week, that situation just shrunk more and more by the moment. It's so easy to get caught up in what is going on right here, right now, that we forget the One who is over all things, knows the bigger picture and knows how this moment, right here, right now, plays a part in that bigger plan. We think we know how it plays a part in the "bigger" plan of our lives, but our lives are just a breath of eternity. Does not God's plan for our lives, for life in general, far exceed our own? Yes. Every. Single. Time. This doesn't mean we shouldn't make plans, that we shouldn't prepare or make decisions. What it means is that we shouldn't get so caught up in our own plans, that we don't allow for His plans. You would think with all I've been through in this life, I would have learned this lesson by now. Apparently, I'm a hard learner. Anyway, I'm just glad that God keeps on teaching me, even if it means many repeat lessons. 

A Life of Everlasting Impact

As I thought about this day coming up, I wasn't sure how I would feel or what I would be thinking. 

Today is the day Nehemiah Laminin was due to be born. 

I know that doesn't mean he would have been born on this day exactly, but it would have been around this time. 

I thought maybe I would be sad, and I am a little. The tears come as I think about holding him. It will be a long time before I get to hold him again. But I WILL get to hold him again and there is hope in that. 

But mostly I think of all the joy his short life brought. Because of him, my joy in Christ has been renewed. My hope in Christ's coming has been restored. The peace that surpasses all understanding guards my heart and mind (Phil. 4:7). My marriage has renewed life. I am a little better at loving my children. And I hope that there are others whose life he has touched. 

What has hit me the most is the insurmountable peace I now have. I don't quite know how to explain it except to just tell you the difference. There are two major areas of my life that I have noticed the peace more. 

The first one is in the area of finances. My husband has worked a seasonal job for many years. This means he has often been unemployed for about three months in the winter. We live paycheck to paycheck when he is working, so you can imagine the amount of strain this puts on our family. Usually, I have worked a job that I could pick up hours during that time he was not working. I lived life completely stressed out. All I could think about was how we were going to pay our bills. How was I going to make this work? This year, I don't have a job. My parents do not live with us any more (they did for a time and this really helped with the bills). Joshua could be unemployed in a few weeks to a month and I'm not worried about it. Sure there are times when the worry starts to creep in, but then it is almost immediately diminished. There is just such peace in my heart about it that I can't even explain it. I know it is not from me, because as I said I was stressed even when the situation didn't look as bad as it could be this time. Yet, I have peace.

Another area this has hit me hard is in looking at the future. I don't know if you've ever read the book of Revelations, but there will be a time when things get really bad. Our society is already getting worse, and I think about the world my children will have to live in. This can make me scared, and at times it has. And when I get scared, I worry about them and what kind of life they will have and will I get to be here for them, etc... Over the past few months I have thought about this even more. But now when I think about it, I get a little scared, but then there is this unexplainable peace and it's like God is speaking to my heart saying, "You were born for such a time as this." This frightens me a little, but even more it spurs me to train up my children as warriors for the gospel of Christ. It motivates me to be ready with knowing the Word should I one day not be allowed to have a copy of the Bible (this has happened in countries already, so let's not take this freedom for granted). It reminds me that one day my Savior is coming back to claim His own, and I need to be ready. It pushes me to be more intentional in my relationships and loving others. 

Nehemiah may have only had life for such a short time. His eyes may never have opened to see this world. But I know that he was one of the greatest blessings on my life that God could ever give. God used him to change me. Every day when I look at his picture and remember that day I looked into his face, I remember the vision God gave me on that hospital bed. I think of the peace I had then, and the peace I have now and know that God truly does use the weak, the humble, the smallest of hearts to bring about His glory.

Giving It Up

As I sat in church Sunday listening to the sermon about giving over all of ourselves to God, I nodded in agreement and even thought to myself, "I really want to do that, Lord, show me what areas in my life I have not given over to you." Throughout the sermon there were some points that hit home and I thought, "Yeah, that's something I could work on more." But it wasn't until after the preaching, after the altar call song, the final song of the service, God made it loud and clear what He wanted me to get.

The final song of the sermon was "Ten Thousand Reasons" otherwise known as "Bless the Lord, O My Soul". Some of you may know that this was one of the songs I was singing in my dream I had during my miscarriage, the only one I can remember (you can read about that here http://beautyoftheheart.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-song-of-joy.html). Why did it hit me so hard?

As I stood singing with a soul full of joy, remembering that night in the hospital, I suddenly began to weep uncontrollably. In that moment, I realized that it had been so easy for me to give Him my child, my own flesh and blood, my baby, even though I didn't even get a chance to get to know him...

...yet, I still have trouble giving over to him the little things each day, like my schedule, my attitude, my feelings, my trust.

Then it reminded me of what our small group talked about on Friday night and what I've been reading about David's struggles through the Psalms. We so often, as Christians, talk about how the trials we endure are our true test of faith - do we depend on Him? do we lean on our own strength? And yes, those are tests of faith somewhat.

But is it not an even more reliable test of faith to ask, Who do we depend on for the little things? Moment by moment? When my life is "interrupted" how do I respond? Am I easily offended by what others say and do to me? Do I trust God to provide for ALL my needs? Do I look to Him when deciding what to eat, drink, wear, watch on tv, say to another person, how to do my hair, make up, spend my free time?

I realized that for me, the big things can sometimes be so much easier to give over to God, because I know what He wants from me. I know what His Word says about those things. But when the area seems gray, and maybe He has given us freedom to choose, I don't always seek Him first anyway.

That's not really living in the Spirit. If I have the Holy Spirit within me, I don't want to just have Him sitting on a back shelf, waiting for me to feel like I need Him, because I've exhausted all other options. Because, this one is just too hard for me to handle. I want to truly live in the Spirit. So that when I have a choice, I still don't take it without seeking Him first. Two options might both be good, but maybe He has something specific in mind and I will never know that unless I stop and ask Him first, and then listen for His response.

Can you imagine slowing down your day to stop and seek God before each and every thing you do, say, think? Seems impossible in the time of busyness. It also seems not only necessary, but worth it. How much better would my day go, if I actually gave it ALL over to God? I hope to find out.

Asleep on the Run

I have started to read the Psalms, only one chapter per week. I'm lingering on each Psalm for a whole week, and I'm loving it!

This week is Psalm 3. David wrote this psalm when fleeing from his son Absalom. He starts out talking about his enemies and what they are saying to taunt him, but this only lasts a couple of verses. Right after that David starts talking about how God is his shield and answers his call. He goes on to say he does not need to fear any number of men who are after him because salvation belongs to the Lord!

But what really grabbed me today was the verse in the middle Psalm 3:6 - "I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me."

David is being chased by an army who is after him. He assures himself that God hears his cry for protection and will shield him from any harm.

Then he lays down and goes to sleep.

And he wakes up.

The impact of this simple statement is huge! Because David doesn't just say, "Oh yeah, God will protect me. Please, God, please protect me!" and then get ready to fight.

NO! He said, "Wait! Those guys can say what they want. I know who my God is! My God is the Holy One and He is almighty! I can trust Him with everything, so I'm going to go to sleep so I can rest." And that's what he does. Then he tells us, "After I slept, I woke up. See everything is fine. He is trustworthy."

This is the true meaning of resting in God. Truly trusting Him and allowing Him to work while you rest. Not just saying you trust Him and then trying to do it on your own, but stepping back and saying, "You got this." Because He's already trying to tell you, "Get out of the way! I got this."

After David writes that he woke up and the Lord had sustained him, he goes on to say he does not need to fear of ten thousands of men, because He has the Lord on His side! Whew! I don't know about you, but I think I would be terrified if an army of ten thousands of men was chasing after me trying to kill me. Would I trust God enough not to be afraid? Enough to lay down and sleep?

Maybe this hit me extra hard today, because last night I didn't feel well and didn't want to go to bed without my husband. So, I stayed up way later than usual to wait up for him to get home and get ready to go to bed.

I read this and thought, "Really? I couldn't go to bed without my husband because I didn't feel well and David lays down to sleep when thousands of men are chasing him to his death? Where was I putting my trust at that moment?"

Lord, teach me to rest in you. Teach me to trust you with everything, no matter what craziness seems to surround me. You are the Righteous King of kings and we need not fear anything of this earth. Salvation belongs to you, yet I often try to live in my own strength. Break me, that I may be fully reliant on YOU and You alone.

Crowded by Loneliness

She stood in the room filled with people, looking all around her. Usually the life of the party, but this time was different. This time, she stood there looking around and all she could think was, "I know everyone in here. But do I really KNOW anyone in here? Do they really KNOW me?" She looked at the group of those whom she called "friends"and realized not a single one of them has called her in the last month and one of them made a comment on Facebook about getting together, but she had brushed them off, not really sure if they had really meant it. Throughout the rest of the evening, she did talk to others, but realized the conversation never went past the usual small talk. Which made her wonder when was the last time she had a conversation that wasn't just surface level information. No one asked why she wasn't being her usual self, or why she seemed more reserved. "Did anyone even care?" she wondered.

How many of us have felt this way? We know so many people, but how many do we really KNOW? How many people really KNOW us?

Sometimes, it seems like no one really wants relationships with that kind of intimacy. Many people, who know me, think being open about my feelings and thoughts comes easily for me. But it doesn't. I force myself to share my deepest feelings and thoughts. Why don't I just keep them to myself? Because I crave intimacy with others, and I know that the only hope I have of getting that is to allow others to really KNOW me. But many times, it seems people hear those thoughts or feelings and run the other direction, instead of getting closer.

Maybe it's too much for people to see that girl who seems so happy all the time, struggling with insecurity. Or that girl who seems to have it all together, feeling like her world is falling apart all around her. Maybe it's too hard to realize that this girl who claims to love God with all she has (and I do), struggles sometimes to trust Him.

I think about the relationships I have here on earth and I just feel so lonely. So much so, I often ask God to send Jesus back or just take me home soon. I know that sounds depressing, but while I can have an intimate relationship with Him now, I know that in heaven that relationship will be perfect. For now, it's only perfect on His end.

I admit that some of my struggle with relationships is on my part, but I also know that it's not all me either. We are imperfect people, but are we really making an effort to let people know how important they are to us? Are we making sure they know we care about them, and love them no matter what? Are we making an effort to get past the small talk and let them in to our heart?

A Song of Joy

I know it's been a long time since I've written, but summer is upon us and that means I'm spending less time on the computer and more time outside.

Although it has been almost two months now, I wanted to share my experience in the hospital as I delivered Nehemiah.

Yes, I still think about it. Every. Single. Day. And I hope that never changes.

I love to think about it, because even though my heart was grieved, God gave me such amazing peace and joy. Peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).

I remember going to the hospital grieved that I had lost my child, yet I still had that excitement that I always do as I look forward to seeing and holding my little baby.

My husband and a great friend were with me that night. We talked and laughed and prayed. It was getting late and I was getting tired and I kept falling asleep. I fell asleep for quite awhile and when I woke up everyone told me I had the biggest smile on my face as I slept and they were wondering why.

I had fallen asleep singing praise songs to God. The one I most distinctly remember singing is Bless The Lord Oh My Soul. I had a dream that I was walking over water, carrying my baby as I was singing. Then a bright light shown, rising up from the horizon and Jesus appeared. The light was so bright I could not see His face. He reached out and took the baby from my arms and held him close in His arms. All the while, I kept singing. He was cuddling the baby so sweetly and gently, as if it were His own. And I was filled with comfort. Then Satan came and he tried to block my view, so that I couldn't see anymore. I kept singing as I tried to see around him, but eventually I couldn't see anymore. And I said to Satan, "It's ok. I don't need to see. I already know it's true." And I continued to sing. Satan tried to stop me from singing, but I just sung louder and stronger and eventually he gave up.

When I woke up and they told me I had a smile on my face, all I could do was thank God for giving me that dream. Because I not only had a smile on my face, I had a smile on my heart.

The smile on my face stayed and my heart was so lifted, that when the time came for me to deliver little Nehemiah all I could was smile and say "He's beautiful!" And he was.

I look at his picture every day and smile at how beautiful he is and know that he is being cared for by the best Father anyone can have.