As I sat in church Sunday listening to the sermon about giving over all of ourselves to God, I nodded in agreement and even thought to myself, "I really want to do that, Lord, show me what areas in my life I have not given over to you." Throughout the sermon there were some points that hit home and I thought, "Yeah, that's something I could work on more." But it wasn't until after the preaching, after the altar call song, the final song of the service, God made it loud and clear what He wanted me to get.
The final song of the sermon was "Ten Thousand Reasons" otherwise known as "Bless the Lord, O My Soul". Some of you may know that this was one of the songs I was singing in my dream I had during my miscarriage, the only one I can remember (you can read about that here http://beautyoftheheart.blogspot.com/2013/07/a-song-of-joy.html). Why did it hit me so hard?
As I stood singing with a soul full of joy, remembering that night in the hospital, I suddenly began to weep uncontrollably. In that moment, I realized that it had been so easy for me to give Him my child, my own flesh and blood, my baby, even though I didn't even get a chance to get to know him...
...yet, I still have trouble giving over to him the little things each day, like my schedule, my attitude, my feelings, my trust.
Then it reminded me of what our small group talked about on Friday night and what I've been reading about David's struggles through the Psalms. We so often, as Christians, talk about how the trials we endure are our true test of faith - do we depend on Him? do we lean on our own strength? And yes, those are tests of faith somewhat.
But is it not an even more reliable test of faith to ask, Who do we depend on for the little things? Moment by moment? When my life is "interrupted" how do I respond? Am I easily offended by what others say and do to me? Do I trust God to provide for ALL my needs? Do I look to Him when deciding what to eat, drink, wear, watch on tv, say to another person, how to do my hair, make up, spend my free time?
I realized that for me, the big things can sometimes be so much easier to give over to God, because I know what He wants from me. I know what His Word says about those things. But when the area seems gray, and maybe He has given us freedom to choose, I don't always seek Him first anyway.
That's not really living in the Spirit. If I have the Holy Spirit within me, I don't want to just have Him sitting on a back shelf, waiting for me to feel like I need Him, because I've exhausted all other options. Because, this one is just too hard for me to handle. I want to truly live in the Spirit. So that when I have a choice, I still don't take it without seeking Him first. Two options might both be good, but maybe He has something specific in mind and I will never know that unless I stop and ask Him first, and then listen for His response.
Can you imagine slowing down your day to stop and seek God before each and every thing you do, say, think? Seems impossible in the time of busyness. It also seems not only necessary, but worth it. How much better would my day go, if I actually gave it ALL over to God? I hope to find out.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Asleep on the Run
I have started to read the Psalms, only one chapter per week. I'm lingering on each Psalm for a whole week, and I'm loving it!
This week is Psalm 3. David wrote this psalm when fleeing from his son Absalom. He starts out talking about his enemies and what they are saying to taunt him, but this only lasts a couple of verses. Right after that David starts talking about how God is his shield and answers his call. He goes on to say he does not need to fear any number of men who are after him because salvation belongs to the Lord!
But what really grabbed me today was the verse in the middle Psalm 3:6 - "I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me."
David is being chased by an army who is after him. He assures himself that God hears his cry for protection and will shield him from any harm.
Then he lays down and goes to sleep.
And he wakes up.
The impact of this simple statement is huge! Because David doesn't just say, "Oh yeah, God will protect me. Please, God, please protect me!" and then get ready to fight.
NO! He said, "Wait! Those guys can say what they want. I know who my God is! My God is the Holy One and He is almighty! I can trust Him with everything, so I'm going to go to sleep so I can rest." And that's what he does. Then he tells us, "After I slept, I woke up. See everything is fine. He is trustworthy."
This is the true meaning of resting in God. Truly trusting Him and allowing Him to work while you rest. Not just saying you trust Him and then trying to do it on your own, but stepping back and saying, "You got this." Because He's already trying to tell you, "Get out of the way! I got this."
After David writes that he woke up and the Lord had sustained him, he goes on to say he does not need to fear of ten thousands of men, because He has the Lord on His side! Whew! I don't know about you, but I think I would be terrified if an army of ten thousands of men was chasing after me trying to kill me. Would I trust God enough not to be afraid? Enough to lay down and sleep?
Maybe this hit me extra hard today, because last night I didn't feel well and didn't want to go to bed without my husband. So, I stayed up way later than usual to wait up for him to get home and get ready to go to bed.
I read this and thought, "Really? I couldn't go to bed without my husband because I didn't feel well and David lays down to sleep when thousands of men are chasing him to his death? Where was I putting my trust at that moment?"
Lord, teach me to rest in you. Teach me to trust you with everything, no matter what craziness seems to surround me. You are the Righteous King of kings and we need not fear anything of this earth. Salvation belongs to you, yet I often try to live in my own strength. Break me, that I may be fully reliant on YOU and You alone.
This week is Psalm 3. David wrote this psalm when fleeing from his son Absalom. He starts out talking about his enemies and what they are saying to taunt him, but this only lasts a couple of verses. Right after that David starts talking about how God is his shield and answers his call. He goes on to say he does not need to fear any number of men who are after him because salvation belongs to the Lord!
But what really grabbed me today was the verse in the middle Psalm 3:6 - "I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustains me."
David is being chased by an army who is after him. He assures himself that God hears his cry for protection and will shield him from any harm.
Then he lays down and goes to sleep.
And he wakes up.
The impact of this simple statement is huge! Because David doesn't just say, "Oh yeah, God will protect me. Please, God, please protect me!" and then get ready to fight.
NO! He said, "Wait! Those guys can say what they want. I know who my God is! My God is the Holy One and He is almighty! I can trust Him with everything, so I'm going to go to sleep so I can rest." And that's what he does. Then he tells us, "After I slept, I woke up. See everything is fine. He is trustworthy."
This is the true meaning of resting in God. Truly trusting Him and allowing Him to work while you rest. Not just saying you trust Him and then trying to do it on your own, but stepping back and saying, "You got this." Because He's already trying to tell you, "Get out of the way! I got this."
After David writes that he woke up and the Lord had sustained him, he goes on to say he does not need to fear of ten thousands of men, because He has the Lord on His side! Whew! I don't know about you, but I think I would be terrified if an army of ten thousands of men was chasing after me trying to kill me. Would I trust God enough not to be afraid? Enough to lay down and sleep?
Maybe this hit me extra hard today, because last night I didn't feel well and didn't want to go to bed without my husband. So, I stayed up way later than usual to wait up for him to get home and get ready to go to bed.
I read this and thought, "Really? I couldn't go to bed without my husband because I didn't feel well and David lays down to sleep when thousands of men are chasing him to his death? Where was I putting my trust at that moment?"
Lord, teach me to rest in you. Teach me to trust you with everything, no matter what craziness seems to surround me. You are the Righteous King of kings and we need not fear anything of this earth. Salvation belongs to you, yet I often try to live in my own strength. Break me, that I may be fully reliant on YOU and You alone.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Crowded by Loneliness
She stood in the room filled with people, looking all around her. Usually the life of the party, but this time was different. This time, she stood there looking around and all she could think was, "I know everyone in here. But do I really KNOW anyone in here? Do they really KNOW me?" She looked at the group of those whom she called "friends"and realized not a single one of them has called her in the last month and one of them made a comment on Facebook about getting together, but she had brushed them off, not really sure if they had really meant it. Throughout the rest of the evening, she did talk to others, but realized the conversation never went past the usual small talk. Which made her wonder when was the last time she had a conversation that wasn't just surface level information. No one asked why she wasn't being her usual self, or why she seemed more reserved. "Did anyone even care?" she wondered.
How many of us have felt this way? We know so many people, but how many do we really KNOW? How many people really KNOW us?
Sometimes, it seems like no one really wants relationships with that kind of intimacy. Many people, who know me, think being open about my feelings and thoughts comes easily for me. But it doesn't. I force myself to share my deepest feelings and thoughts. Why don't I just keep them to myself? Because I crave intimacy with others, and I know that the only hope I have of getting that is to allow others to really KNOW me. But many times, it seems people hear those thoughts or feelings and run the other direction, instead of getting closer.
Maybe it's too much for people to see that girl who seems so happy all the time, struggling with insecurity. Or that girl who seems to have it all together, feeling like her world is falling apart all around her. Maybe it's too hard to realize that this girl who claims to love God with all she has (and I do), struggles sometimes to trust Him.
I think about the relationships I have here on earth and I just feel so lonely. So much so, I often ask God to send Jesus back or just take me home soon. I know that sounds depressing, but while I can have an intimate relationship with Him now, I know that in heaven that relationship will be perfect. For now, it's only perfect on His end.
I admit that some of my struggle with relationships is on my part, but I also know that it's not all me either. We are imperfect people, but are we really making an effort to let people know how important they are to us? Are we making sure they know we care about them, and love them no matter what? Are we making an effort to get past the small talk and let them in to our heart?
How many of us have felt this way? We know so many people, but how many do we really KNOW? How many people really KNOW us?
Sometimes, it seems like no one really wants relationships with that kind of intimacy. Many people, who know me, think being open about my feelings and thoughts comes easily for me. But it doesn't. I force myself to share my deepest feelings and thoughts. Why don't I just keep them to myself? Because I crave intimacy with others, and I know that the only hope I have of getting that is to allow others to really KNOW me. But many times, it seems people hear those thoughts or feelings and run the other direction, instead of getting closer.
Maybe it's too much for people to see that girl who seems so happy all the time, struggling with insecurity. Or that girl who seems to have it all together, feeling like her world is falling apart all around her. Maybe it's too hard to realize that this girl who claims to love God with all she has (and I do), struggles sometimes to trust Him.
I think about the relationships I have here on earth and I just feel so lonely. So much so, I often ask God to send Jesus back or just take me home soon. I know that sounds depressing, but while I can have an intimate relationship with Him now, I know that in heaven that relationship will be perfect. For now, it's only perfect on His end.
I admit that some of my struggle with relationships is on my part, but I also know that it's not all me either. We are imperfect people, but are we really making an effort to let people know how important they are to us? Are we making sure they know we care about them, and love them no matter what? Are we making an effort to get past the small talk and let them in to our heart?
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
A Song of Joy
I know it's been a long time since I've written, but summer is upon us and that means I'm spending less time on the computer and more time outside.
Although it has been almost two months now, I wanted to share my experience in the hospital as I delivered Nehemiah.
Yes, I still think about it. Every. Single. Day. And I hope that never changes.
I love to think about it, because even though my heart was grieved, God gave me such amazing peace and joy. Peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
I remember going to the hospital grieved that I had lost my child, yet I still had that excitement that I always do as I look forward to seeing and holding my little baby.
My husband and a great friend were with me that night. We talked and laughed and prayed. It was getting late and I was getting tired and I kept falling asleep. I fell asleep for quite awhile and when I woke up everyone told me I had the biggest smile on my face as I slept and they were wondering why.
I had fallen asleep singing praise songs to God. The one I most distinctly remember singing is Bless The Lord Oh My Soul. I had a dream that I was walking over water, carrying my baby as I was singing. Then a bright light shown, rising up from the horizon and Jesus appeared. The light was so bright I could not see His face. He reached out and took the baby from my arms and held him close in His arms. All the while, I kept singing. He was cuddling the baby so sweetly and gently, as if it were His own. And I was filled with comfort. Then Satan came and he tried to block my view, so that I couldn't see anymore. I kept singing as I tried to see around him, but eventually I couldn't see anymore. And I said to Satan, "It's ok. I don't need to see. I already know it's true." And I continued to sing. Satan tried to stop me from singing, but I just sung louder and stronger and eventually he gave up.
When I woke up and they told me I had a smile on my face, all I could do was thank God for giving me that dream. Because I not only had a smile on my face, I had a smile on my heart.
The smile on my face stayed and my heart was so lifted, that when the time came for me to deliver little Nehemiah all I could was smile and say "He's beautiful!" And he was.
I look at his picture every day and smile at how beautiful he is and know that he is being cared for by the best Father anyone can have.
Although it has been almost two months now, I wanted to share my experience in the hospital as I delivered Nehemiah.
Yes, I still think about it. Every. Single. Day. And I hope that never changes.
I love to think about it, because even though my heart was grieved, God gave me such amazing peace and joy. Peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil. 4:7).
I remember going to the hospital grieved that I had lost my child, yet I still had that excitement that I always do as I look forward to seeing and holding my little baby.
My husband and a great friend were with me that night. We talked and laughed and prayed. It was getting late and I was getting tired and I kept falling asleep. I fell asleep for quite awhile and when I woke up everyone told me I had the biggest smile on my face as I slept and they were wondering why.
I had fallen asleep singing praise songs to God. The one I most distinctly remember singing is Bless The Lord Oh My Soul. I had a dream that I was walking over water, carrying my baby as I was singing. Then a bright light shown, rising up from the horizon and Jesus appeared. The light was so bright I could not see His face. He reached out and took the baby from my arms and held him close in His arms. All the while, I kept singing. He was cuddling the baby so sweetly and gently, as if it were His own. And I was filled with comfort. Then Satan came and he tried to block my view, so that I couldn't see anymore. I kept singing as I tried to see around him, but eventually I couldn't see anymore. And I said to Satan, "It's ok. I don't need to see. I already know it's true." And I continued to sing. Satan tried to stop me from singing, but I just sung louder and stronger and eventually he gave up.
When I woke up and they told me I had a smile on my face, all I could do was thank God for giving me that dream. Because I not only had a smile on my face, I had a smile on my heart.
The smile on my face stayed and my heart was so lifted, that when the time came for me to deliver little Nehemiah all I could was smile and say "He's beautiful!" And he was.
I look at his picture every day and smile at how beautiful he is and know that he is being cared for by the best Father anyone can have.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
A Mother's Cry
Tears fall like rain.
Tears of heartache.
Tears of pain.
I just want
To hold him once again.
To look on his face,
To see his little hand.
A bond has been forged
That can never be erased
A mother's love
Through our hearts
Has been laced.
Yet there is a love
That flows deeper
Than even a mother can give.
The love that Christ showed
When He took you to be His.
My soul cries out to God!
But I am not asking why.
Because I know
You will cherish him even more than I.
I cry out because I need you, Lord
Only You bring comfort to my soul
I cry out because there is now a void,
Only You can make me whole.
Lord, hold him in your arms
Until You call me home.
Lord, hold me too
While on this earth I still roam.
May the short time he had
Bring glory to Your name.
For I know that at least I
Will forever be changed.
Tears of heartache.
Tears of pain.
I just want
To hold him once again.
To look on his face,
To see his little hand.
A bond has been forged
That can never be erased
A mother's love
Through our hearts
Has been laced.
Yet there is a love
That flows deeper
Than even a mother can give.
The love that Christ showed
When He took you to be His.
My soul cries out to God!
But I am not asking why.
Because I know
You will cherish him even more than I.
I cry out because I need you, Lord
Only You bring comfort to my soul
I cry out because there is now a void,
Only You can make me whole.
Lord, hold him in your arms
Until You call me home.
Lord, hold me too
While on this earth I still roam.
May the short time he had
Bring glory to Your name.
For I know that at least I
Will forever be changed.
Friday, May 24, 2013
This Is the Day That the Lord Has Made
This is the day (this is the day)
That the Lord has made (that the Lord has made)
We will rejoice (we will rejoice)
And be glad in it (and be glad in it)
This is the day that the Lord has made
We will rejoice and be glad in it
This is the day (this is the day)
That the Lord has made
This is the song that I woke my children up to yesterday morning. Hoping to begin our day on a positive note with maybe a little less yelling (mainly from me). Hoping for more joyful obedience (one can hope right?).
I began this day not knowing that as I awoke singing this song on my lips, later I would need to choose if I was going to sing this song in my heart.
Because this is the day we found out that we have lost the child I am carrying.
This is the day we found out that our little baby's heart had stopped beating and he or she will be born without life.
My heart mourns for this little life that was lost. Tears come when I least expect them. The air around me is heavy with sadness.
But even though my heart grieves for my child, there is still joy.
I rejoice this day knowing that God is sovereign.
I rejoice in knowing that His plan is better than mine, no matter what it is.
I rejoice is knowing that my child is now with Him in heaven.
I rejoice in the blessings He still allows me to have on this earth.
I rejoice in the fact that He is the God of peace, the God of love, the God of joy.
I rejoice in knowing that He is my Comforter, my Keeper, my Fortress.
I rejoice in knowing that this IS the day that HE has made.
There are still tears. There is still sadness. My heart still grieves.
But through it all I cling to His promise:
Zeph 8:10b - "Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Today I chose to again wake my children up with that song (we told them last night what is happening). And today a new song of truth and promise rings in my heart:
Friday, April 26, 2013
"Yes, Your Majesty."
A few days ago, my daughter was joking around and responded to something I told her to do with "Yes, your Majesty." She was not being disrespectful in any way, but it did get me thinking...
How do we respond to God when He is requiring our obedience?
We know from Scripture that He is the King of Kings (Psalm 5:2; Psalm 24:8; Isaiah 43:15; 1 Timothy 6:15; Revelation 17:14; Revelation 19:16). We also know that if we are in Christ we are adopted into God's family as His children and are now heirs with Christ (Romans 8:15-17; Ephesians 1:5; Galatians 4:7; James 2:5).
This means that we are considered princes and princesses. This means that our Father is the King of Kings.
As parents, we expect our children to obey. We expect them to obey, not with grumbling and complaining, but with a "Yes, Mom." or "Yes, Dad." Why? Because Scripture tells them to honor their parents.
But as adults, do we honor our heavenly Father by obeying, not with grumbling and complaining, not with questioning, not with doubt and fear, but with "Yes, Your Majesty."? After all, He is the King and anything less than obedience is treason against the King - in other words, sin.
How do we respond to God when He is requiring our obedience?
We know from Scripture that He is the King of Kings (Psalm 5:2; Psalm 24:8; Isaiah 43:15; 1 Timothy 6:15; Revelation 17:14; Revelation 19:16). We also know that if we are in Christ we are adopted into God's family as His children and are now heirs with Christ (Romans 8:15-17; Ephesians 1:5; Galatians 4:7; James 2:5).
This means that we are considered princes and princesses. This means that our Father is the King of Kings.
As parents, we expect our children to obey. We expect them to obey, not with grumbling and complaining, but with a "Yes, Mom." or "Yes, Dad." Why? Because Scripture tells them to honor their parents.
But as adults, do we honor our heavenly Father by obeying, not with grumbling and complaining, not with questioning, not with doubt and fear, but with "Yes, Your Majesty."? After all, He is the King and anything less than obedience is treason against the King - in other words, sin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)